


Wish

by RaeDMagdon



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-16
Updated: 2012-10-16
Packaged: 2017-11-16 10:40:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/538568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaeDMagdon/pseuds/RaeDMagdon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>District Attorney Alex Cabot thought the spotlight on her personal life was finally gone... and then there was this clusterfuck. Alex/Olivia, slightly AU future</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for BDSM elements. This is based on a dream I had, so if it weirds you out, that's probably why. Wish deals with the public distribution of a private sex tape by a third, uninvolved party without consent. So, basically, a kind of non-physical sexual assault.

"Ms. Cabot! Do you –"

"Can we get a statement?"

"Anything at all, Ms. Cabot..."

Bright camera flashes assaulted the District Attorney as soon as she walked onto the stage, and she tried not to squint. The click of her heels was drowned out by the sound of the mob, which continued to shout questions.

"What's your response to the allegations?"

"Ms. Cabot, have you seen the video? Can you confirm..."

"– can you tell us when it was filmed?"

Alex Cabot made an effort to keep her expression placid. She had been on television and in the news many times throughout career, but this was an entirely new experience. Branch pushed her to give several interviews when she returned from Witness Protection for the second time and rejoined the DA's office. She had made a short announcement after her first engagement, another when the plans fell apart, and a third when she became engaged for the second and final time. Her marriage had been far more public than she would have preferred, although she did her best to limit her wife's contact with the press. Olivia joked that she didn't have Alex's photogenic face. Alex always responded that Olivia was gorgeous, but she was afraid of what would happen to an unlucky reporter's face if one of them aroused the brunette's temper. In her metaphorical moments, she likened it to poking a lion with a stick.

Deciding to run for the DA's office a year later had only made things worse. All of interviews blurred together in her memory. Her critics had accused her of being too young, too inexperienced, too headstrong. Alex had taken them all on with a chilling sort of glee. Olivia described it as a bloodbath, but somehow Alex always managed to come out looking clean. There were the usual grumblings about her marriage to another woman and a few claims of impropriety with her old squad at the 1-6 – Sam Cavanaugh's name was brought up more than she would have liked – but Alex brushed those comments away like a wrinkle in one of her perfectly tailored power suits.

She had thought the spotlight on her personal life was finally gone. It was the second year of her term, and the majority of her constituents still supported her. Senators considered her to be a potential ally, a future opponent, or both. The only sound bytes she gave these days were about pending cases.

And then there was this clusterfuck.

For the first time in years, Alex found herself caught flat-footed. There were so many problems that she didn't even know where to begin. Fortunately, she paid people to figure those things out for her. Despite the horde of reporters and photographers crowding around the stage, she held herself with her usual air of dignity and confidence. The District Attorney would not be rushed, and she would speak on her own schedule. She held up a hand in an abrupt, almost aggressive gesture that was far too masculine for someone so slender, but it worked. The barrage of questions faded to a dull rumble with only a few occasional interjections.

"I am prepared to make a statement. Then, I may or may not answer a few reasonable questions." She made sure to stress the word 'reasonable' despite the fact that the press had been anything but over the past forty-eight hours. "My decision will depend entirely on the manner in which you conduct yourselves." The roar grew even quieter, although the sound of clicking cameras continued floating towards her over the heads of the crowd.

"I am sure that the majority of you are familiar with the basic facts surrounding this case. However, if there are any misconceptions," she paused, giving them a threatening look through the square black frames of her glasses, "I am pleased to correct them. On February twenty-eighth, a man named Dilan Herrera met with me. He was, and still is currently being charged with several felonies including assault in the first degree, criminal possession of a controlled substance in the first degree, criminal possession of a weapon in the second degree..."

Realizing that she was losing her audience, Alex decided against listing all of the charges against Herrera. That wasn't what sold magazines, so to speak. Then again, maybe boring the crowd was the way to go if it would get them off her back. She took a deep breath.

"Mr. Herrera claimed to have a sexually explicit video of me from several years ago. After showing me the," she groped for an appropriate word and eventually fell back on, "evidence... on his computer, he demanded that I pay him a lump sum of money and order the Assistant District Attorney prosecuting his case to drop the charges against him. Obviously, I refused." That was putting it politely.

Another wave of questions came at her, and Alex held up her hand again, unable to resist defending herself even with that simple motion. Eventually, the ruckus died down. She tried to keep her expression absolutely unreadable, but Alex felt her knees beginning to shake. She consciously unlocked them so that she wouldn't faint and make even more of a spectacle. "I confiscated his computer immediately and told him that I would not comply with any of his demands."

Everyone knew what happened next. On what was expected to be a quiet news day, the Internet suddenly exploded with messages and video clips. It took less than two hours for the mainstream news media outlets to pick up the story.

"To avoid all allegations of bias, New York County will not be handling any of the charges against Mr. Herrera. He will be tried at the state level. Neither I, nor my office, will be participating except to give testimony. I have freely offered all of my professional and personal financial assets for review at both the state and federal levels so that no accusations of bribery may be leveled against the District Attorney's office or me at a later date. Despite rumors to the contrary, I will not be stepping down from my position as District Attorney of New York County. By severing all ties with the charges against Mr. Herrera, I believe that I have upheld the professional standards of this office to the best of my ability."

Alex let out a relieved breath, trying to loosen the tight, aching knot in the middle of her chest. The blonde lawyer-turned-politician tried to convince herself that the worst of it was over, but she knew it was a lie. Alex hadn't wanted to accept questions from the media at all, but her publicist had insisted. So far, Harry, who was standing behind and to her left, was doing as much as he could to shield Alex from the fallout. He was due for a several-figure raise in the near future. She adjusted her glasses and said, "now, I will answer a few questions." The underlying warning was unmistakable, but the press exploded with excitement and more snapping cameras.

"Ms. Cabot, who was involved in filming the video of you and Olivia Benson?"

Although it was one of at least a hundred, the comment caught Alex's attention. "A tripod," she drawled. A warning shake of her publicist's head did nothing to dissuade her. If she was going to be dragged into this mess, Alex decided, she might as well go down swinging. "Captain Benson is a decorated police officer who has been with the NYPD for over two decades. Please refer to her by her rank, or as my wife. No one else was involved at any point." Realistically, Alex knew that she couldn't protect Olivia from these jackals, but she could damn well try.

That caused several people to ask variations of the same question. "Will she be making a statement?" overlapped with "how does Captain Benson feel about the scandal?"

Alex cleared her throat. "My wife will not be making a statement." But it seemed as though Olivia was the unseen woman of the hour, because the next several questions involved her.

"Did Captain Benson coerce you in to making the video?"

"Did you know that you were being filmed?"

"Ms. Cabot, was it Captain Benson's idea to –"

Alex sighed, settling for the shortest answer possible. "I was not coerced by any means." It was obvious to anyone watching the video that both women knew where the camera was, based on the angle of the shots. Her Detective, as Alex still called Olivia in their playful moments, had edited the video herself. The DVD was kept safely in a shoebox at the top of the closet underneath several pairs of pantyhose, some tissue paper, a pair of Alex's old sunglasses from 1985, and an unused purse. They purposely did not upload it on to any of their computers. Olivia's time in Computer Crimes left her more than a little paranoid, and Alex wholeheartedly agreed with her suggestion. Unfortunately, neither of them had expected their high-rise to be the target of a burglary.

As if they could collectively read Alex's mind, the crowd continued shouting out questions. "How did Mr. Herrera get the video?"

"Did you give him a copy?"

"Was it sold to anyone?"

Alex mentally rolled her eyes. "The video was stolen from our home three weeks ago." The District Attorney was already regretting her decision to keep it in the apartment, but she hadn't wanted to run the risk of a Cabot relative finding it in the dark recesses of the Martha's Vineyard house. "We filed a police report, which I will ask the NYPD to make available to the press." Of course, Alex and Olivia hadn't realized that the video was taken until it was far too late. Their first instinct had been to check the lockbox where Alex kept her most expensive pieces of jewelry and make sure that none of their credit cards, passports, or bank information had been taken (yes and no, respectively. The return of her mother's engagement ring was the only thing about this disaster that Alex was looking forward to. She had planned to give it to Olivia on their tenth anniversary.)

It wasn't entirely new information, but Alex's confirmation that the video was stolen property stirred the excited crowd into a frenzy. "When was the video stolen?"

"Were you in the apartment when the burglar broke in?"

"Did Mr. Herrera –"

"The burglary is still an open investigation, and I am not permitted to comment on it," Alex said.

"Ms. Cabot, how do you feel about the embarrassment and shame you've caused your family?"

The last question was too much. Alex's eyes flashed behind the lenses of her glasses, and for the first time, her mask cracked. Her face tightened with anger and pain, and she came down on the reporter like an angel of fury with a fiery blade in her tongue. "I am not ashamed." Not of Olivia. Never Olivia. "A very personal, vulnerable, loving moment that was only supposed to be shared with my wife was stolen from us and made available to every pervert with a computer and an Internet connection. It hurts. It makes me physically sick..." Her eyes and throat burned as though she was breathing in smoke. "But Dilan Herrera and the paparazzi sensationalizing this story are the ones who should be ashamed. I refuse to let their twisted games violate my marriage."

Even though she had decided to keep her maiden name professionally, in her heart of hearts, New York County District Attorney Alexandra Cabot was really Mrs. Olivia Benson. Her critics decried her as a cold feminist – and if being a feminist meant giving women the opportunity to make their own choices, Alex considered herself one – but she had very traditional ideas about marriage. Although not particularly religious, the idea of marriage as a sacrament and a sacred institution was something that Alex treasured.

The questions continued rolling towards her in endless waves, and Alex shot her publicist an unreadable glance. The fact that she had turned in his direction at all was enough of a signal for Harry, and he stepped forward to take Alex's place. "Ms. Cabot will not be answering any more questions. We hope you will respect her privacy and the privacy of her family in this difficult time."

But Alex was sharp enough to know that there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell of that. Privacy was a thing of the past. It seemed like everyone and their grandmother had watched her bring Olivia to climax with her mouth, followed by a vigorous session with a double-ended "friend" that the detective had come home with one night after tracking down a witness in SoHo.

Making love with Olivia was always different. Sometimes she forced Alex to submit, using her body in ways that might appear rough or callous to an outside observer, but were highly pleasurable for both of them. That part had happened towards the middle of the video. After Olivia took her pleasure from Alex's lips and tongue – and pleasure was clearly being taken if the strength of her rocking hips and her position over Alex's face were any indication – she had thoroughly and completely possessed Alex's body with the strapless dildo, simply rolling her over and forcing the blonde onto her knees when she wasn't satisfied with the depth of her strokes. Alex's release was so intense that she nearly blacked out.

Other times, Olivia was painfully gentle, treating Alex like the most precious thing in the world, a world full of warmth and softness, love and trust. The second time Alex came she was facing the camera, legs spread to reveal her treasures while Olivia clung to her back and trailed lazy but clever fingers through her folds, the detective's strong thighs holding Alex's apart. "I want you to see what I see when I make love to you," she had said. "I want you to know how beautiful you are." And at the time, the experience had helped convince Alex that she was beautiful in Olivia's eyes. She just wished that Olivia's eyes were the only ones that had seen the video, and she especially wished that the audio hadn't picked up the soft, tender things Olivia had whispered in her ear that afternoon. Reassuring murmurs of love and desire weren't meant to be shared with the entire world.

Even though the video was private, Alex had to admit that it was a pretty accurate representation of their sex life; Olivia taking pleasure from her, dominating her, then building her back up with the strength of her love. On the other side of the coin, Alex liked to do the same for Olivia. The fallout from the sex tape was embarrassing, even painful, but she was grateful that the camera had not captured Olivia being vulnerable instead of her. Alex knew that the detective wouldn't have been able to deal with the aftermath as well as she could. Olivia's past, combined with a tough job and a strong but stubborn personality, made it incredibly difficult for her to show any signs of weakness to people she did not trust.

"Get out of here, Alex," Harry murmured as she turned and walked offstage. "And get some rest, you look like shit."

The DA didn't bother responding to her publicist. Instead, she adjusted her glasses, sighed, and headed for the nearest exit, hoping that no one from the press conference was quick enough to catch her on the way to her car. She tried to ignore the two uniformed officers that trailed behind her, but her attempts at faking normalcy were unsuccessful. It didn't help that her ride home was a police cruiser.

"Ms. Cabot," one of the unis said, politely holding open the door so that she could climb in the back. Alex managed to mumble a thank-you, smoothing out the wrinkles in her skirt as she was locked into the back of the squad car. By the time they pulled out of the parking lot, the camera flashes and loud questions had found them again.

'So this is what it feels like,' Alex thought, remembering all of the perps that had been assaulted by the media on the courthouse steps or as they were guided headfirst into a police vehicle. Her only hope was that Olivia wouldn't have to experience this... but she had used up her one impossible wish for this lifetime. She was married to the woman of her dreams. There were no more miracles in store for her, not this time, but the one was enough.


	2. Chapter 2

Olivia paced around the room like a caged tiger, hands folded behind her back, staring at her bare feet as her toes curled into the living room carpet. Back and forth, back and forth. If she had a tail, she would have lashed it. Her head whipped around moments before her body every time she turned, surprising her with its lightness. She had gotten a haircut that day, and thankfully her stylist had not mentioned the thing that was on everyone's minds. With her hair short for the first time in years, Olivia felt energized and a little off-balance. Then again, maybe that wasn't because of her new look. Simply seeing yourself on television every ten minutes and on the front page of all the news websites was enough to unsettle anybody.

She was angry, but the anger had quickly boiled down to pain and fear, and now Olivia felt like a cornered animal, ready to lash out at anyone that came too close. The only person she could stand to interact with at all was Alex. Everyone else just got on her nerves. The feelings had been festering for days now, but they showed no signs of getting better. The public didn't have a right to know what color her nipples were or that Alex almost always whispered 'I love you' just before she came unless her mouth was occupied.

The detective longed for a reset button. It wasn't the first time she had wished for the power to go back in time a few days and set things right. She had woven endless fantasies, some of them pleasant but most of them painful, about forcing Alex to drop the Velez case before she got shot and shipped off to Witness Protection. After Alex came back to testify against Connors, Olivia fantasized about kissing Alex in the hotel room, making love to her, but that hadn't happened. It was too painful for both of them. When she read about Alex's return and subsequent engagement, she fantasized about ripping Robert's throat out. All those years she had longed for a second chance, and now she was terrified of losing the perfect life that she had carved out for herself with sheer stubbornness, determination, and a hell of a lot of luck.

It was the first time in days that Alex hadn't been by Olivia's side. When Olivia yelled at her, Alex took it. When she cried, Alex offered her shoulder and a warm pair of arms. Now, she was struggling with the overwhelming urge to make love with her absent wife. The detective tried not to think about why she wanted to touch Alex after the disgusting thing that had happened to them, but she suspected it had to do with ownership. Alex was hers. The love they shared was theirs. No one else's. And she wanted to prove it. It was a primal need to assert her claim that she didn't understand, but in her saner moments, it made her feel uncomfortably like an animal.

Olivia sighed under her breath as she heard a key turning in the front door, feeling a brief pang of terror and arousal. She was in an aggressive mood and she didn't want to take advantage of Alex. Olivia knew she would never truly force Alex, the blonde could stop any sexual encounter between them with a single word, but using sex as an emotional outlet for rage and powerlessness was not healthy. A small part of Olivia was also worried that Alex would go along with whatever she wanted out of guilt. Even so, she was aware of the fullness between her legs, an uncomfortable awareness that was only made worse by the harness that she was wearing under her jeans. Olivia didn't pack on a regular basis, especially underneath her daytime clothes, but she was feeling a little vulnerable and a little crazy, and having the fake phallus strapped to her hips gave her at least a faint sense of security.

The door opened. Alex did not look surprised at the sight of Olivia pacing the front room. The detective stopped and opened her arms, patiently waiting for Alex to slip off her heels and hang up her coat before they embraced. "Are you all right, baby? You look exhausted."

"I feel exhausted," Alex admitted, breathing in Olivia's familiar scent by hiding her face in her lover's shoulder. "How are you holding up? I like your new haircut, by the way."

Olivia brushed off the compliment. "I'm holding up about the same. I'm restless. Can't sit down. Too angry to eat. Honey, I'm sorry..."

Alex knew that it took a great amount of effort on Olivia's part to accept comfort or admit weakness even after all these years, and she treasured the gift. "Sorry for what?"

Olivia wasn't sure, but her mouth went ahead and rattled off a list without consulting her brain. "For not protecting you, for embarrassing you, for ruining your life..."

The District Attorney knew from experience that she had to interrupt that line of thought right away before it led both of them down a very dark path. She didn't want Olivia to revisit that place ever again if she could help it. "You do protect me, Olivia, and you haven't ruined my life or embarrassed me."

Olivia loosened her arms around Alex slightly, just enough for her wife to settle more comfortably against her chest. If Alex had felt the unusual shape of the extension beneath her zipper, she gave no sign of noticing. "I want to smash the bastard's skull in. And then I want to fuck you in front of everybody again so they know you belong to me. But most of the time, I just want everyone else on the planet to disappear forever so it's only us... They don't deserve you." Olivia didn't think that she deserved Alex either, but she knew better than to say so.

"Me too."

Those two words were so soft and pleading that Olivia forgot about her own frustrations for a moment. Alex had spent so much time reassuring Olivia and taking care of her needs after the video came out that she hadn't bothered to ask for any comfort herself. "It's going to be okay, sweetheart," Olivia said, believing the words more when she was saying them to Alex than when Alex had offered them to her. "We didn't do anything wrong. We didn't break any laws. We were careful. This is all Herrera's fault."

"Is it stupid to feel like I was... raped?" Alex took back the words as soon as she said them, flicking her eyes downward to avoid Olivia's probing gaze. "I know this doesn't compare – I'm sorry, it doesn't matter."

"It does compare to a certain extent, Alex," Olivia insisted. She knew that Alex had heard all her crisis speeches before, but she had to try. "The purpose of rape isn't usually sexual gratification. It's power. You weren't physically assaulted, but you were violated in a sexual way." There was a pause and a tired sigh when Olivia gently began to sway Alex back and forth in her arms.

"We were violated. You were in that video too..."

The former detective pressed a kiss to Alex's forehead, which was only possible because the blonde lawyer was slightly slouched and had kicked off her heels. "And you've spent the past three days dealing with my anger and pain."

"What was it you said earlier?" Alex murmured, taking Olivia's hand in hers and holding it tight between their gently rocking bodies.

"The purpose of rape is power?"

"Before that..."

"I wish we were the only two people left on the planet?"

Alex's cheeks turned red, but her blue eyes remained steady. "Just before that," she whispered against the shell of her wife's ear, taking the hand that was between their bodies and guiding it down to squeeze the shaft in Olivia's pants.

"About wanting to smash the bastard's skull in," she offered, deliberately misunderstanding even as she finally realized what Alex was talking about. She swallowed nervously, quivering as her body tried to decide whether to pull back or push forward.

"No." Alex continued sliding her small hand up and down along the bulge. They had not made love since their video went viral, too worried and distracted to think about much else, but Alex could feel the tightly coiled need in her wife's body, and even more importantly, she could sense the anger, fear and pain that Olivia so desperately needed to purge.

"What then?" Olivia asked hoarsely.

"You want to fuck me in front of everybody so that they know I belong to you."

Hearing her own words repeated back only made Olivia's desire flare brighter, but at the same time she felt sick to her stomach. What kind of depraved person listened to such primitive, base instincts? Only perps as far as she knew. Even so, the thought of reasserting her claim to this beautiful woman, her Alex, made her twitch painfully beneath the seat of the harness. Her fingers flexed.

"I do, you know. Belong to you."

The knowledge that Alex belonged to her, only her, was like setting a spark to gunpowder. All the rage and passion that Olivia had been saving up exploded in a wave of heat. She threaded the fingers of one hand through Alex's soft blonde hair and pulled their faces close. The attorney's breath hitched in a strangled little whimper as she found herself backed up against the front door, feeling Olivia shift against her through their clothes. She squeezed her thighs together to suppress the ache, letting Olivia take her mouth in a kiss that stole her breath.

Olivia nibbled on Alex's lower lip and looked into the blue eyes that she had memorized, which were several shades darker than usual. A flush was creeping down Alex's neck, her perfect hair was mussed where greedy fingers had combed through it, and her breasts rose and fell rapidly as she took short, shallow breaths. "You know your word?" Olivia asked. She wasn't sure it was a good idea to begin a scene tonight when they hadn't been intimate since the scandal, but Alex knew how to stop things if they got out of hand.

"Yes."

Olivia's conscience would not allow her to continue without giving Alex one more chance to back out. "You want this?"

"I _need_ this," Alex corrected.

The next few moments were a heated blur. Olivia urged Alex to shrug off her suit jacket and tore at the buttons of her white blazer, neither of them complaining when a button popped or the fabric crumpled into a heap on the floor. Their mouths were fused together, tongues and lips tangling as teeth nipped back and forth. When Olivia cupped Alex's breasts through her simple cotton bra, the blonde melted like warm butter in her arms. She was overwhelmed by the power and trust Alex placed in her. The love and desire radiating from both of them left her drunk with pure emotion. Until Alex, she had never felt so much good or rightness in one moment.

Olivia reached forward and gripped Alex's chin sharply, forcing the lawyer to stare her directly in the face. "Tonight, I own you. I'm in control until I decide to release you. You will do everything I say and you will not speak unless I ask you a question or release you from silence." Olivia had given Alex this speech before, and both of them knew that Alex's safe word was the unspoken exception to this rule. "I will make use of any part of your body I choose until I decide that I'm finished. Do you understand?"

Alex's eyes grew impossibly wider, but she managed a steady nod in the cradle of Olivia's hand, their gazes still locked.

"Good. Take off the rest of your clothes." Somehow, Alex managed not to fumble with the zipper on her skirt or snag her stockings as she stripped, but she had a bit of trouble with the hook on her bra. Olivia was too impatient to play the cool and collected Mistress tonight, and so she hurried to remove the rest of Alex's clothes herself, undoing the bra without even looking and tugging down sharply on the strings of Alex's thong.

All too aware of her nakedness, especially since Olivia still had all her clothes on, Alex held her arms behind her back, clasping each elbow with the opposite hand and lowering her head. It took all of Olivia's willpower to keep from shoving Alex back against the door, slipping her fingers inside and thrusting mindlessly until everything was colors and sounds.

At first, Olivia fought down her instincts with everything she had. She simply stared at this woman that belonged to her, knowing that if she moved, it would be over in an instant. Her head pounded, her body felt like a livewire, and she ached more than she had imagined possible.

They both froze, sharing a moment of anticipation that always came before the primal rush of predator and prey, dominance and complete surrender. Then Alex looked at her, and Olivia read something in her face, the face she had stroked with her knuckles as they stood holding hands at the altar of St. Gregory's. Even though on the outside it seemed like this scene was for Alex, Olivia abruptly understood that it was really for her. Hererra had damaged their dignity and their reputations, but Olivia felt like he and all the anonymous viewers had taken a piece of Alex from her, too. Her dignity would be reclaimed in the courtroom several months in the future, but she couldn't wait that long to take back the part of Alex that had been lost. She couldn't stand the thought of anyone else having even the tiniest fraction of Alex's body, mind, or soul. Somehow, her wife knew this, and she was trying to reassure the former detective that she did belong to her.

Suddenly, Olivia was free. Released from her usual rituals and obligations towards Alex, she felt no guilt as she flipped the slender body that she held exclusive rights to and unzipped her jeans. Alex flinched at the sound, but allowed Olivia to maneuver her down onto the floor, ignoring the way that the carpet rubbed against her hands and knees. For some reason, being completely naked while Olivia was almost fully dressed except for the open fly of her pants was extremely arousing. It was another facet of the power shift between them.

Even though she knew that physiological signs of arousal did not equal consent, Olivia was relieved when she reached down and felt wetness dripping from Alex's thighs and coating her outer lips. With a sigh of satisfaction from the SVU Captain and a hiss of pleasure from the District Attorney, a hiss that Olivia pardoned even though she had instructed Alex to be silent, they settled into a frequently used and well-loved position. Alex had always found the term 'doggy style' to be a rather crude descriptor, but there was no better term for it.

"Legs wider," Olivia growled, and Alex obeyed, her heart hammering as her wife shifted behind her, bringing their pelvises into perfect alignment. She forced herself not to move, listening to the rustling sound as Olivia pulled the silicone phallus out of her jeans. Alex's breath caught and her body froze for one terrified moment as the very tip of the fake cock probed at her entrance. She always felt the brief slice of fear, fear that the toy would hurt her or tear her, until she remembered that Olivia was the one wielding it, that Olivia always made her feel so wonderful, that Olivia was her wife and would never push beyond her limits. The fear melted away and left Alex throbbing and empty inside, shaking with the desire to be filled.

The sight of Alex on her knees with just the head of the toy nudging at her entrance was too much for Olivia to bear. She could only stand to look a few seconds. Even though she wanted to draw it out for her lover's sake, she reminded herself that this scene was for her as well and began working the toy into Alex's tight, velvety warmth with longer and longer thrusts. It took a moment for Alex's body to open and accept her, but with a few warm kisses and a sharp bite to the back of the blonde's neck, Olivia felt the attorney melt against her for the third time that night, and the detective guided the shaft all the way in.

Olivia didn't stay gentle for long. She gripped Alex's hips hard enough to leave bruises as she began to piston in and out, but the physical possession of Alex was not enough. She wanted it to be known – to Alex, to herself, to any nosy neighbors that might be listening, to the whole damn world – that this woman was hers and only hers.

"Whose cock are you taking right now, Alexandra?"

The attorney's soft inner muscles clutched tightly at the shaft that was so deeply embedded inside of her. It drove her crazy when Olivia used her name. Something about the way that she said it made Alex feel so cherished, so owned.

"Yours, Liv. God, yours..."

"And you want more of it, don't you?"

"Please... Oh God, please..."

"You beg so sweetly," Olivia rumbled, "but I want to hear you say it all. Come on, beautiful girl."

Alex stumbled over the slightly vulgar words, embarrassed when they caused her to pulse around the toy and release a new flood of wetness. "I – I'm taking your cock and... and I want more of it. Please!"

Olivia hummed her approval, picking up a slow but harsh rhythm with her hips. "Mmm, yes. And why am I the only one who gets to be inside of you like this?" She pumped as deep into her lover as she could get, staking her claim to Alex's tender folds and tight, shivering walls.

"Because I love you?"

The sincerity of Alex's words cleared the lustful haze from Olivia's vision for just a moment, and she stroked the small of her wife's back lovingly before picking up the rhythm again. "That's true, sweetie," she panted, "but not what I had in mind."

Alex's head hung down between her shoulder blades, her entire body rocking back and forth as she tried to take as much of the toy inside of her as possible. Olivia was adding a circular motion at the end of her thrusts that kept Alex keening, and she found it impossible to answer the question. "Liv, I – I... Please, more. Please, ohhh... don't stop, don't – stop – Liv..."

"I'm the only one who gets to be inside of you because this," She gave a vicious thrust to emphasize her point, making Alex cry out in what sounded like pain, but Olivia knew to be pure pleasure, "and this –" She ran her hands over the pale skin of the attorney's cheeks, gripping both of them and scratching with the edges of her nails. "And even this..." She brushed her left thumb over Alex's other opening, not pushing inside since she knew that her wife wasn't fond of anything more than slight pressure there. "And especially this..." She reached between Alex's legs, below the place where they were joined together, and began milking the swollen bundle of nerves roughly between two fingers. "They're all mine. To touch, to stroke, to fuck, to take, to claim, to own. Only mine."

Alex's forehead dropped to the floor as she lifted her ass higher in the air, not caring if she appeared vulnerable or needy. For a split second, Olivia wished that the cock strapped to her waist was real. She wanted to be enveloped by silken, slippery warmth, wished she could feel Alex's tight walls twitch and shiver around her shaft. Then she realized that she was feeling it, the quivering heat, the smooth glide, the desperate clutching of her lover's inner muscles as she rocked forward and back, filling her and then leaving her empty and aching. Olivia started thrusting even harder, determined to drive out the memory of any other lover that had ever been inside Alex Cabot, and even the unlucky ones who had only imagined being there.

Was it really so selfish to want everything Alex had to give? To possess her completely, just as Alex possessed her?

The epiphany caught her mid-stroke inside of Alex, and Olivia was grateful that her body continued pleasing the attorney as all of her worries and insecurities evaporated. Hererra and the nameless, faceless people who had watched the stolen video could never touch the deepest, most beautiful part of Alex, the treasure of her love and trust, because all of that already belonged to her. Alex belonged to her, so she could never belong to them. The opposite was true as well. Olivia belonged to Alex, so they couldn't reach her.

The emotional relief came just as Olivia's body rose towards its peak, and she rolled Alex's clitoris between her thumb and forefinger, waiting for the final piece to fall into place. "I'm gonna come inside you..." It was a statement, not a request or a warning, because Olivia already knew that she could do whatever she wanted to the slender woman beneath her. "Only I can – come inside you –"

For the first time since they started, Olivia's rhythm faltered. Her throat bobbed as she gasped for much-needed air. "I want to feel you come too, baby, all around me... Let me hear you... Feel you..."

Used to coming with her lover anyway, Alex didn't need anything but Olivia's permission to fall over the precipice. Olivia's thrusts were slightly disjointed as she tried to milk every last pulse of her orgasm, and the uneven sensation of being full, empty, and then full again extended Alex's climax for what felt like an eternity.

When she finally caught her breath, Alex realized that she was sprawled stomach first on the floor instead of sitting on her hands and knees. Olivia had collapsed on top of her, still joined with her wife by the harness. The straps dug uncomfortably into the flesh of her waist, but she was too content to move. "We're finished, baby," she murmured, giving Alex permission to speak or move if she wanted to. "Are you all right?"

"I'm more than all right."

"You wanted..."

"You know I wanted it. I think we both needed it. What about you? Do you feel all right?"

Olivia smiled. "Yes." Years ago, she might have apologized for a scene like this, but she knew better now. There was nothing wrong with love. They were going to be fine. "You did that for me."

Alex didn't even shift underneath her, although Olivia could feel the vibrations of her voice where they were pressed together. "Yes, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy it. I suspected you might need to feel... in control after everything that's happened." She smiled when Olivia kissed her shoulder.

"I don't know why– "

" – For the same reason that I feel protected from everything when I give myself to you. We love each other and we belong together."

Both women sighed and cuddled closer together, not caring that they were still on the floor. Even though they had seen more than she was comfortable with, Olivia knew that the outside world had no idea how things really were between her and Alex Cabot.


	3. Chapter 3

Alex thought she was prepared for the moment her tape was finally played in court. She had hoped the press would lose interest, but with the start of the trial, they tore into any scrap of news like a pack of starving hyenas surrounding a fresh kill. She was lucky that the judge had closed the courtroom to the media and ordered the jury sequestered. Since sequestering had fallen out of favor over the past decade and was only used in extreme circumstances, Alex suspected that her old friend and employer Arthur Branch, who was now Senator Branch, had done her a few favors behind closed doors.

The federal prosecutor, a man named Michaels who had moved to the Second Circuit Court from the Ninth a little under a year ago, made use of his voirdirestrikes to get a jury with a certain "feel" to it; liberal enough not to crucify Alex for having the audacity to be a high-ranking lesbian with a sex tape, but conservative and moral enough to be horrified by Hererra's attempted blackmail.

Alex was the one that urged Michaels not to fight the defense's motion introducing the tape into evidence. The DA had learned a thing or two about human nature over the years. The jurors, being curious animals, would find the sex tape anyway after their sequester was over with a quick Google search, or maybe even during the trial if they were sneaky. She wanted to take back control and let them see the tape on her terms while she told her story, recounting her pain and explaining exactly how the invasion of privacy had hurt her.

But that was cold reassurance now.

At the start of the trial, half the jury was irritated at being roped into such an annoying, high profile case. Alex sympathized. She knew that sequestered jury duty was no picnic, and finding people who had not seen her sex tape and were competent to serve was difficult. The majority of them had been out of the country when the story broke. The rest were excited by their involvement and wanted all the juicy details. She suspected at least one of them had lied about their knowledge of the case in order to snag a jury spot in the biggest media circus of the year.

Now, they were in the thick of it. Alex Cabot had been sworn in half an hour ago, and the prosecution had just entered the tape into evidence. The courthouse's technical gurus – and that term carried plenty of sarcasm with it in Alex's mind – were trying to set up the television and DVD player with the help of a young twenty-something intern who was making more progress than the actual employees. The television flickered to life, showing the frozen image of Alex and Olivia's bedroom. Michaels accepted the remote and held it in one hand.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I must warn you that what you are about to see is graphic in nature. If any of you are unwilling or unable to view this tape, please speak up now and we will replace you with an alternate juror."

None of the jurors raised their hands. Even the ones that had complained earlier in the week stayed silent.

Alex resisted the temptation to cradle her forehead in the palm of her hand and close her eyes. She was developing what promised to be a terrible headache.

"Your Honor, I would like to present the People's exhibit 21-B, a video recording of New York County District Attorney Alexandra Cabot and Captain Olivia Benson."

"Cut the full titles and disclaimers, Michaels. I want to get this in before lunch," said the judge. "Your evidence is already admitted and your witness is sworn in. Get on with it."

Alex wasn't sure whether to be offended or relieved. She knew that Jonathan Michaels was one of the good Feds – Alex had always carried a bad taste in her mouth for Federal lawyers, and her time in witness protection only made it stronger – but his showmanship was making her jumpy and if he didn't hurry it up she might lose her cool and run out of the courtroom. Then again, that might not be a bad thing. Losing her cool, not running out of the courtroom. Becoming hysterical wouldn't help, but showing some human emotion to the jury might. Alex knew only too well how cold she could appear to strangers if she didn't make an effort to connect with them on a personal level.

"Yes, Your Honor." He pressed the fast-forward button on the remote, and Alex was struck by the surreality of the situation as she watched miniature versions of herself and Olivia appear on-screen. She was wearing her favorite low-riders and a tank top, and her detective was in the leather jacket Alex loved and a loose pair of slacks.

_... She had arrived home first that day and set the whole thing up to Olivia's specifications. Then, when the detective finally arrived home from work and stopped Alex's anxious pacing around the bedroom, she had adjusted the camera half a dozen times and changed all the settings twice, checking and rechecking the placement with her face peering into the lens. That part was edited out..._

They kissed for five or six seconds, several minutes of condensed time, with Olivia's hands resting comfortably in the back pockets of Alex's jeans as the attorney toyed with the collar of her lover's jacket. Jonathan stopped fast-forwarding and let it play in regular time. Alex tried not to think of how many times he had been forced to watch her and Olivia make love in order to select the segments he needed for trial.

_... "What if somebody finds it? What if they see –?"_

_Olivia dropped reassuring kiss on the center of Alex's forehead, swaying with the slender woman in her arms. "They won't."_

_"But what if it gets out?"_

_"If it does... If it does, then the world will know how hopelessly devoted my wife is to me."_

_Olivia shrugged out of her jacket, letting it drop to the floor and beginning to unbutton her shirt. "How beautiful she is." The two buttons of her pants were next, then the zipper. She paused to take Alex's hands in hers, guiding them to her hips. Both of them pulled Olivia's slacks down together. "How... obedient...she is."_

Alex did not like that part of the video. Before the tape had leaked, it was one of her favorite moments, but now it only reminded her of unintentionally broken promises. The worst part was that it made Olivia look like she was coercing Alex into performing on tape when she didn't want to. Aside from that small moment of doubt, Alex and Olivia had committed to the idea together.

"Ms. Cabot, do you recognize the video excerpt you have just seen?"

The District Attorney blinked, snapping back to the present. Her stomach had constricted into a tight knot and the muscles in her forehead ached. "Yes. It's from a tape that my wife and I made three years ago.

"Let the record show that the witness has identified the evidence," the judge said.

"I know this must be difficult for you, since your case has received a lot of media attention over the past few months."

"Objection. Is there a question?" The defense attorney asked.

Before the judge could rule on his objection, Michaels continued. "Why did you and Captain Benson decide to make this recording?"

Alex took a deep breath, hoping her voice wouldn't shake. She tried to relax, reminding herself that showing a little pain and disgust wasn't necessarily a bad thing, but that didn't make handling her emotions any easier. This was exactly what she had been trying to protect Olivia from.

"Aside from my relationship with Olivia Benson, I was not very happy in my personal life back then. Being with her made me happy, but I was still processing feelings of guilt." She turned towards the jurors, telling her story directly to them. "I have known Olivia for fifteen years now. I was her ADA back when she was still a detective in the Special Victims Unit."

"And what kind of unit is that, Ms. Cabot?"

Alex swallowed to loosen her throat. "They mostly deal with sexually based offenses and crimes against children and the elderly. I suppose you could call what happened to me ironic. A few years into my job, I brought charges against a drug cartel run by a man named Zapata. He threatened my life, and I was forced to go into Witness Protection."

"Objection, relevance!"

"It goes to state of mind, your Honor."

"The witness's state of mind doesn't matter, Your Honor," the defense attorney protested, "only Mr. Herrera's state of mind is relevant to this case. Mr. Michaels is just trying to garner sympathy for his witness."

The judge sighed. Sometimes, presiding over a courtroom didn't seem much different than being a monitor at fourth grade recess. "I'll allow it, but Ms. Cabot will only respond to direct questions."

"How did you handle being put in witness protection, Alex?"

The blonde tried not to flinch at the use of her first name. She knew that Jonathan was just trying to make her seem more human to the jury, but that didn't mean she felt comfortable with it. "Not well, I'm afraid. I feared for my life. I lost all my friends. My mother died while I was gone, and I couldn't tell anyone that I was alive except Olivia and her partner, Elliot Stabler. Since I couldn't reveal my identity to anyone, I couldn't go to a doctor or a therapist for help. I started to believe everything that happened was my fault..."

Saying the words was like ripping open old wounds, but Alex soldiered on. "When the threat passed and I returned to New York, everything had changed. Nothing was the same as I remembered. The press was hounding me for interviews about my 'remarkable return', but all I wanted was to be left alone. I got engaged to Robert, an old law school friend, within a month. He was kind to me, but I had no real feelings for him. Then, I reconnected with Olivia, and I knew I had to call off the engagement."

"What does that have to do with this tape, Alex?" Michaels asked, although his tone wasn't unkind.

"Olivia and I decided to –" Alex paused and rephrased her thoughts, abandoning 'begin a relationship' for the simpler and more honest, "Olivia and I fell in love, but all of my other problems started coming back. I felt guilty for leaving my family and friends. I felt guilty for leading Robert on. I hated my job as Bureau Chief because it reminded me of the years I had already lost. I felt like everyone would be better off without me..."

"Except Olivia."

"Except Olivia," Alex repeated. "When – when we made love... she said I was beautiful." She felt her eyes starting to water and closed them for a moment to keep back the tears. Showing emotion to elicit sympathy from the jury was one thing, but Alexandra Cabot never cried. She noticed that they were looking at her with rapt attention. "I didn't believe her. We agreed to make that tape together, because she wanted to show me... she wanted to show me the beauty that she saw in me."

Michaels returned his attention to the remote and began fast forwarding to another part. There were a few sharp intakes of breath and low murmurs as he skipped past scenes of both women undressing, Olivia kneeling over Alex's mouth, and the introduction of a double-ended toy from the bedside drawer. The images came too fast to make out clearly, but the general idea was there. Finally, after what felt like ages, he hit play again. The image remained blurred in strategic places, pixelating Alex's breasts and the place where Olivia's hand cupped her. Both of them were naked, with Olivia pressed against Alex's back as she held the blonde's legs open.

_"Can you feel me, Alex? Do you feel me inside of you, sweetheart?"_

_"Yes," Alex sobbed, her face buried protectively in Olivia's neck as the detective's fingers moved hungrily in and out of her._

_"Mm, Lexi, you're so soft – warm... so tight around my fingers. So perfect..."_

_Alex nuzzled even further into her lover's strong shoulder, trying to hide her eyes and muffle the soft sounds of desperation that spilled from her lips. "Oh, Liv... Liv..."_

_"You have –" Olivia's voice broke, and she pressed kisses to the crown of Alex's head until she regained some control. "You have no idea how amazing you are. How much I love you... You are perfect, every inch of you."_

_Olivia's searching fingers finally curled against the special spot inside of her, the place that loosened the knot inside of her stomach and made her dissolve into warm shudders. "You are so beautiful, Alex, and I'm so glad you're mine."_

"Please, stop..."

Alex was shocked to realize that the words had come from her mouth. The video was heavily censored, but the words were a hundred times more exposing than any image. Everyone tore their eyes away from the tape and stared. Michaels hit pause again, and thankfully stopped the video completely so that the image of Alex's release wouldn't be frozen on the screen.

"Are you all right?" he asked her, ignoring the members of the jury.

That moment. It cut right to the heart of what Alex wanted to say, but also what she was terrified of. She remembered how exposed she had felt in that moment, as though she was falling without a parachute into an endless chasm until Olivia's arms surrounded her, comforting her, keeping her safe and easing her back down. She had cried for several minutes afterwards and Olivia had simply held her, understanding all the self-hatred and pain that her touch had just brought to the surface.

"No, I'm not all right. That man took something from me." She turned to Herrera, who had not been offered a good view of the television screen, but was staring at her with lascivious eyes. It made Alex want to peel or burn off her skin, just to get the feel of him out of her. "He took that moment, the moment when I started to love myself as a person again and turned it into something dirty. He devalued my relationship, my sexuality, and my pride in the eyes of hundreds and thousands of people. He took something beautiful, something sacred, and put a price on it like common pornography. And for what?" Alex was spitting like a cobra. "Five hundred thousand dollars and some petty charges that wouldn't have gotten you five years if you pled out. Well, you're looking at over twenty-five now."

Alex's smile turned cold. All traces of her pain and vulnerability were gone. The only reminder was a wet trail on her cheek that was rapidly cooling in the air-conditioned courtroom. "I hope you enjoyed the tape, because the only sex you'll be having for the foreseeable future is in the prison shower. I suggest you keep an eye on your soap."


	4. Chapter 4

If she had been asked, Olivia wouldn't have been able to explain why she was looking at the internet comments on their sex tape. It was masochistic in the extreme, but for reasons she couldn't articulate, she felt the need to prepare herself for anything that might come up when she was called to the witness stand the next morning. The comments on this particular version of the video slanted towards the positive. Positive for the viewers, that is, not for Olivia herself. Even the most determined optimist in the world would have found it difficult to find a silver lining in this situation. Not to say there weren't a few religious tirades and misogynistic invitations for threesomes.

The first comment was, sadly, 'First!', and so was the second. After that, things started to get a little more interesting and a lot more painful.

 _"i dont understand i thought that brown hair chick was from a tv show?"_ \- Olivia had no idea which actress she might resemble, and gave up trying to figure it out since there was no way to tell.

_"This is the hottest thing I've ever seen."_

_"*Sploosh!* World's. Best. Orgasm."_

_"We live in sad times where our politicians post their sins against God for all the world to see."_ The first response to that comment coaxed a small twitch of a smile from Olivia's pursed lips. _"You probably typed that with your dick in your hand. Go die in a fire."_

_"those two are hot but it would be so muhc hotter if I was there! lol ;D"_

_"If I get 17 thumbs up I'll leave this open on my best friend's Dad's computer!"_ So far, the attention-starved internet troll had only received six thumbs up. The overall rating for the video had been disabled by the poster.

 _"I feel bad for them. I heard the tape was stolen from there house?"_ Olivia could practically hear Alex ranting about the correct usages of their, there, and they're in her head.

More rants about God and sin sent the comments section spiraling into a full-on gay marriage debate, and Olivia turned away, disgusted. She tried to remember what line of reasoning she had used to explain her actions, but couldn't come up with anything except that, on some level, she had wanted to hurt herself. Now the question was why.

"Olivia?" The soft voice coming from behind her startled the captain, and she let out a shaky breath, turning around in her computer chair.

"Alex, you scared me. Sorry I'm a bit jumpy."

The District Attorney frowned. "What were you doing?"

Olivia knew there was no use hiding. She hadn't been fast enough to click out of the window. "I was reading some of the comments on our..." For some reason, Olivia felt too emotionally exhausted to finish the sentence.

A brief flash of anger crossed Alex's face, but it disappeared just as quickly, replaced by a look of worry and confusion. "Why?" she asked, putting her hands on Olivia's shoulders and massaging the trigger points behind her wife's shoulder blades.

"I wish I knew. I guess I wanted to be prepared for whatever they throw at me tomorrow."

"It won't be that bad. You know all of questions Jonathan will ask."

"He's not the one I'm concerned about," Olivia muttered.

"The Defense tried to argue that your testimony was irrelevant, so I doubt they'll have too many questions for you. I bet you'll be done within fifteen minutes." Olivia knew that Alex was lying, but since it was to make her feel better, she didn't protest. The important thing was that Alex cared about her.

Feeling a little vulnerable, Olivia decided to confess some of her worries. "I just don't want to see you hurt anymore. This has been hard on you..."

"It's been hard on you, too," Alex reminded her. "Both of us were on that tape." Both of them had been violated. Both of them had been hurt. Olivia's reactions had varied from possessive anger to intense worry, but in the past couple of months, she had rarely allowed Alex to simply offer comfort. Suddenly, she realized that she needed it. She wanted to make love with Alex, not just because she wanted the blonde physically, but because she craved the emotional intimacy.

"Alex, I - we could..."

"- I know," the attorney said, stroking Olivia's upper arm and giving her a soft, loving smile. Before the blackmail, neither of them would have thought it was necessary to check in with each other. The answer to the unspoken question was always yes. Now, they couldn't help being a little hesitant around each other, even though neither of them was to blame.

Carefully, Alex cupped Olivia's cheek, bringing her wife's face closer. Both of them felt a familiar, relaxing heat rush over their skin like warm water as their lips met. Olivia didn't just accept Alex's kiss, but returned it with full force, pulling closer and encouraging the attorney to wrap an arm around her waist. The need for breath forced them apart sooner than they would have liked, and Alex took the opportunity to walk Olivia backwards towards their bed. They had purchased it together shortly before their marriage, but hadn't broken it in until after they returned from their honeymoon. It was truly 'their' bed, and not simply 'a' bed.

"I want you to let go tonight," Alex whispered, kissing Olivia's chin. "You've been over-thinking the testimony you have to give tomorrow." She reached for the brunette's hand and squeezed it, lacing their fingers together as she eased Olivia into a sitting position at the foot of the bed.

"I'm pretty sure that's always been our problem. It's not easy for a lawyer and a cop to turn off their brains and stop thinking."

Alex's response was a seductive smile. "Maybe I can help..." she purred, straddling Olivia's hips and leaning down for another kiss. Like the first, it was hard, deliberate, and very deep. Olivia's hand gripped Alex's hip when the attorney tilted her head ever so slightly to one side, her lips parting in a clear invitation for more. She couldn't resist tugging on Alex's lower lip with her teeth before following the hint and pressing forward with her tongue. However, Alex surprised her by taking control of the kiss herself, thoroughly possessing Olivia's mouth as she straddled both of her legs, letting her fingers run through the former detective's dark hair.

"You are so incredibly beautiful," Olivia said impulsively, her hands wandering around Alex's waist to caress the small of her back.

"I know," Alex shot back, gripping Olivia's shoulders gently and forcing her to lie down. Once Olivia was stretched out beneath her, the blonde made quick work of her shirt, blue eyes darkening hungrily at the sight of her wife's breasts covered only by a black bra. "So, are you ready to be ravished by the most beautiful woman in the world?"

Olivia smiled, knowing that Alex wasn't just referring to physical appearance. It was true that the district attorney was an extremely attractive woman, but the part of herself that Alex had trouble seeing as beautiful was her soul, not her body. That was why she needed Olivia to remind her. It had taken years for both of them to get to this point, but with Olivia's steady encouragement, Alex felt comfortable with who she was for the first time in her life.

"Ravish away, sweetie."

Alex slipped her fingers beneath the underwire of Olivia's bra, gently cupping her breasts, trying to express through touch just how much Olivia's love and support meant to her. Although Olivia was usually the more dominant one in the bedroom, she gladly allowed Alex to take control this time. She could sense that Alex wanted to comfort her, and she had to admit that affection from her lover was exactly what she needed to ease the weary, tired ache in her chest.

"I want to see you too," Olivia whispered, tugging on the sleeves of the attorney's pullover. Even though she didn't appreciate the interruption in her plans, Alex obligingly lifted her shirt over her head and undid the back clasp of her bra before Olivia even had the chance to ask.

Keeping her movements slow and deliberate, Alex began trailing kisses down the column of Olivia's throat, smiling slightly every time she found a sensitive spot. She nibbled gently on her lover's pulse point, enjoying the way Olivia shifted beneath her, trying to find some kind of friction to ease her growing arousal. A sigh of relief escaped her lips when one of Alex's knees settled between her legs. "It's all right," Alex murmured against the warm skin of Olivia's throat, "I love you."

The DA was touched by the trust and vulnerability Olivia was placing in her, but her thoughts darkened for a moment as she remembered something. After the tape came out, one of her first thoughts had been: 'thank God it wasn't Olivia...' Olivia didn't seek comfort as often as the average person, especially physical comfort, but when she did, it was something intensely private. Having their sex life plastered all over the internet had been difficult, but the attorney was grateful that she had been the submissive one on the tape. If it had been Olivia... she didn't dare think about it.

When she felt Olivia's hands reach up to cup her bare breasts, Alex let her head fall back for a moment, enjoying the gentle touch and relishing how perfectly she fit in her detective's palms. She only allowed her wife to continue for a few moments, though, before brushing her hands aside and lowering her head, scattering kisses over Olivia's rapidly rising and falling chest. "I am going to kiss every inch of you," she announced, nibbling along the upper portion of the brunette's breast. "And I'm going to take my time doing it."

Olivia knew better than to protest. She simply wove her fingers through Alex's soft golden hair and let her wife have her way.

There was no need for any more words as the lovers discarded the rest of their clothes, sighing as their naked bodies pressed together on top of the mattress. Olivia wrapped her arms around the slender frame above her, encouraging Alex to let her take some of the attorney's weight. Alex's lips continued to explore Olivia's neck and shoulders while her eager hands trailed up and down her wife's sides. Needing more, Olivia shifted underneath Alex's naked form, spreading her legs and allowing the blonde's pelvis to settle comfortably between her thighs.

Encouraged by the soft, content sounds Olivia was making and the flush that was slowly spreading along her olive skin, Alex's lips trailed down to Olivia's breasts. The SVU captain stiffened as Alex's warm mouth latched onto her nipple, but melted again as the pleasurable sensations registered. She clutched the back of Alex's head, trying to pull her even closer, and the lawyer responded by stroking Olivia's legs. She began at the knee, but her hands crept higher each time, occasionally skimming Olivia's inner thighs and making her hips push forward involuntarily. Alex gasped around Olivia's nipple as the detective's wetness smeared across her hip. Sensing how excited her wife was only ratcheted up her desire.

Alex spent several torturous minutes at Olivia's breasts, teasing the tips to hard points and then blowing cool streams of air across them, only occasionally grazing the sensitive buds with her teeth. Everything Olivia did to try and speed up Alex's slow, thorough seduction seemed to backfire. When she lifted her hips, clearly inviting Alex to touch between her legs, the DA removed her hands completely. Spreading her legs and arching her back to put herself on even more prominent display didn't work either. Finally, she resorted to pleas. She tried to make a quip about Alex's promise to kiss every inch of her body, but the words wouldn't come. All she could manage was a strangled, helpless "please..." that sounded like it had come from someone else.

It was all the permission Alex needed. Slowly, she strung together a trail of open-mouthed kisses and gentle bites, following the muscular line that bisected Olivia's stomach. When Alex's teeth nipped just beside her navel, Olivia felt the muscles in her legs flex. She was finding it impossible to hold still.

Finally, Alex shifted down until her face was only a few inches away from Olivia's core. The attorney lifted her wife's right foot, draping Olivia's slender calf over her shoulder and spreading the former detective's legs even wider. Olivia couldn't remember the last time she had felt so exposed and safe at the same time. Only Alex could take away her fear in such a vulnerable situation - and having someone's head between your legs was about as vulnerable as it got, in Olivia's opinion. She had slept with her fair share of men and women, but oral sex had never been one of her favorite activities... not until Alex.

"Please," Olivia repeated, her voice breaking. "I need -"

Alex knew exactly what Olivia needed, and she lowered her head, her tongue sweeping through wet, glistening folds with one broad stroke. That first brief taste made her growl in satisfaction, and she began to please Olivia in earnest. She loved doing this, had always loved doing this, and if it distracted Olivia from her dark thoughts and gave her some measure of comfort, well then all the better. The former ADA felt Olivia's fingers weave through her hair, and almost stopped what she was doing, but decided that her lover was only searching for something to hold on to, not trying to direct her mouth. Normally, Alex wouldn't have minded. In fact, it aroused her when Olivia took control and 'forced' her mouth exactly where she wanted it, but Alex wanted this time to be about reassurance and connection. She wanted Olivia to let go and trust her, to remember that she didn't have to carry her heavy burdens alone.

Olivia's attention was torn between her tongue and the warm, soft palms that rubbed up and down her inner thighs in soothing lines. The low moans and hums of contentment that escaped from Alex as she worked only increased her desire. With her head moving between Olivia's legs, her fair hair glowing in what little light had managed to enter the room through the window, Alex was a stunning sight, and Olivia couldn't tear her eyes away. Warmth curled low in her belly, coiling tight and squeezing, causing her inner walls to twitch even though Alex wasn't inside of her yet. The unsteady rocking of Olivia's pelvis told Alex that her wife was more than ready for some direct attention. She closed her lips over the hard point of Olivia's clitoris and sucked, pinning the brunette's hips to the mattress with both hands when she tried to buck against the new sensation. Alex's reward was a loud, wordless cry from the desperate woman beneath her, and she would have smiled if her mouth had not been otherwise occupied. When she used her thumb to pull back the sensitive bundle's protective hood, exposing it even further, Olivia's fingers tightened in her hair, but not to the point of pain.

Just as Olivia began to grow accustomed to the steady sucking, Alex unbalanced her again by testing her entrance with two fingers, seeking more slickness and heat. Alex moaned around the small bead captured between her lips when she felt just how wet Olivia was for her, and the vibrations made the brunette hiss and shudder. Not wanting to overstimulate her lover, the attorney pulled her mouth away for a few moments, distracting Olivia from the sudden stop by easing two fingers inside of her. Resting her cheek against a firm thigh, she gazed up along her detective's flat, tanned stomach and past her breasts, pleased to see that Olivia was watching everything. As their eyes met, Alex's fingers burrowed even deeper inside of her, forming a hook and rubbing back and forth across the sensitive ridges she found there. Alex enjoyed firm thrusts, the friction and burn that Olivia's fingers caused as they plundered her, but she knew that her wife was different. What drove Olivia wild was feeling Alex move inside of her, curling and pressing against her inner walls.

Maybe on another night she would have drawn it out longer, would have brought Olivia right to the edge before easing her back down and denying her, but right now, in this moment, Alex wanted to show her wife that her love and trust was not misplaced. She lowered her head again, breaking eye contact so that she could take Olivia's hard point back between her lips, running her tongue over its tip and sucking firmly. Together, the skillful fingers that plundered her and the warm mouth wrapped around her were Olivia's undoing. She let herself come, releasing emotionally as well as physically, comforted by the knowledge that all of it was for and because of Alex. Her Alex. The woman she loved, and the woman that owned her heart. A few tears escaped, leaving hot trails on her already flushed cheeks, but she didn't even bother to brush them aside.

"Thank you..." Olivia panted when she finally found her voice. "Alex..." The blonde knew that Olivia wasn't thanking her for the orgasm, or even the comfort. She was thanking Alex for taking care of her, for being her anchor, for keeping her safe and making sure she knew that she was always, always loved.

Alex was in no hurry to move from her comfortable position between Olivia's legs, and she rested her head against one of Olivia's hips. "We're going to be okay."

"Mm."

Instead of taking the lackluster response as a sign of doubt, Alex knew that it was probably because Olivia was tired and still slightly dazed. Her suspicions were confirmed when she shifted up further and saw Olivia's head fall to one side, her eyes fluttering as she fought to keep them open. "Are you sleepy, dear heart?" she asked, trying to hide her smile. She loved it when she was able to leave her wife so well-satisfied that she could barely stay awake.

"Mmhmm. Need a minute."

"That's it, handsome. Just rest for a while. You can have your turn later." Secretly, Alex had no plans to give Olivia a turn at all, at least not tonight. She wanted her lover well-rested, alert, and relaxed for court the next day. If she said that out loud, though, Olivia would protest, and all of her hard work would have been for nothing.

"Love you..."

Alex shifted back up to the head of the bed, wrapping Olivia in her arms and letting the former detective's head rest against her shoulder. "I love you, too," she whispered as Olivia slipped into unconsciousness.


	5. Chapter 5

Alex gritted her teeth, even though she knew that relaxation was the key to any type of strenuous physical activity, and increased her pace on the treadmill. Once upon a time, she had been able to take her runs in Central Park, but now she was confined to the Courthouse Gym. Since she was the District Attorney, the judges didn't mind sharing their facilities with her. She suspected that many of them sympathized with her paparazzi problem – just one inconvenience among the myriad of others that had sprung up during Dilan Herrera's trial. The former ADA tried to time her workouts so that she would encounter as few people as possible, not in the mood to strike up a conversation for fear of where it would inevitably lead.

As the feathery end of her ponytail brushed between her shoulder blades and the burn in her chest increased, she let her head fall for a moment and shut her eyes even though it wasn't proper running form. She hated working out here. It felt like being confined to a cage. In addition to giving up her Central Park runs, she couldn't even attend her own gym anymore for fear of the stares and whispers. Perhaps she was paranoid, but even though she had a membership to an expensive, exclusive gym on the Upper East Side a few blocks from her apartment, she was half afraid that someone would snap a cell phone picture of her while she was changing. She had taken to changing in a bathroom stall at the courthouse gym, even when she was the only one in the locker room.

Olivia was probably giving her testimony right now, and since Alex was done with her turn on the witness stand, it would have been all right for her to view the rest of the trial. Her detective had insisted that she stay away, for both their sakes. "I don't want you worrying about me, it'll just make me worry too," she had pointed out as she and Alex finished their to-go breakfasts on the steps of the courthouse. Alex took a moment to respond since she was working through a mouthful of her asiago bagel, but nothing she said after she swallowed convinced Olivia to change her mind. Stung by her lover's rejection, Alex had retreated to the gym to burn off some stress.

"Alex? What are you doing here?"

The sound of her name made Alex start, and she wasn't quick enough to hide her flinch or the brief flash of fear behind the lenses of her glasses. She stopped the treadmill and reached for the small white towel resting on the handlebar. Wiping her face briefly, she ignored the ache in her muscles from her abrupt stop. "Liz. Shouldn't you be at the trial? It's where everyone else is." Alex couldn't hide the bitterness in her voice. She knew that more than a few judges had deliberately cleared their dockets in order to catch part of Olivia's testimony.

"The better question is, shouldn't you be there? Captain Benson won't care whether I show up or not, but I think your face might be a welcome sight."

Slightly disconcerted by the fact that her former boss, who always wore dress clothes for court and, later, black robes after her ascent to the bench, was wearing workout clothes. She looked good, too, and Alex hoped that she would be blessed with a similar physique as the years progressed.

"She doesn't want me there," Alex said glumly, throwing the towel carelessly around her neck and stepping off the treadmill. "She told me so this morning. It's not just that, though... she made a point of allowing me to comfort her last night, and now I wonder if she's retreating because she regrets it." She was surprised at how easily she had admitted her problems to Donnelly, but was too tired and upset to question her decision.

"And you believed her? You should know better, Alexandra Cabot Benson."

The DA's eyebrows rose on her forehead at the use of her full name. "Olivia is a grown woman who has had very little control over the events in her life recently. If she doesn't want me there, the last thing I want to do is take even more of that control away by not respecting her wishes."

"She isn't sending you away to protect herself. She's doing it to protect you. You're underestimating Olivia. I've known the two of you for years and watched your relationship form at the beginning."

"When I got back from WITSEC?" Alex asked, taking a drink of her bottled water to cool down. The gym was uncomfortably hot, but maybe that was just because she had been running.

"No, even before that. All Benson ever wanted to do was protect you, even when she was arguing with you at the same time. You are always her first priority. She might be shutting you out, but it's not for the reasons you think."

Alex sighed. She had to agree with Liz. Olivia had softened considerably over the past few years. The former detective always made an effort to come to Alex when she had a problem, wanted advice, or simply craved companionship. It wasn't easy for her, but she did it anyway, because she understood that it meant a lot to her wife. Olivia wouldn't have allowed herself to be so vulnerable the night before and then shut Alex out the next morning because of her own discomfort, but she would do it for the woman she loved.

"I'd better change fast. The doors are probably closed by now, but I think security will open them for me."

"Make them. You're the DA now, Alex. You have more power than you tend to use, you know."

Alex pressed her lips together and nodded, knowing that Donnelly was right. She had been playing it very safe recently, staying out of the public eye as much as she could, and not taking advantage of the many privileges that came along with being Manhattan's District Attorney. It had been several months since her "scandal" exploded on the Internet, and the trial was wrapping up. Maybe it was time to start flexing some muscle again. She didn't want anyone to think that she was becoming weak or complacent just because some two-bit thug had managed to score a personal hit.

"Will you be joining me?" Alex asked as she grabbed her things and hurried to the locker room.

"No. I think I'll take over that treadmill," Liz said.

"Cardio before weights is always a good idea," the DA called back approvingly over her shoulder as she exited the gym, hoping that her former boss wouldn't mind her abrupt departure. She had a trial to attend.

. . .

Twenty minutes later, a freshly showered Alex with slightly damp hair and no make-up strode confidently through the doors of Courtroom Nine at the Theodore Roosevelt Federal Courthouse in Brooklyn, NY. She felt slightly uncomfortable outside of her home turf, disliking the fact that the trial wasn't taking place in Manhattan, but she couldn't really complain either, since everyone involved had decided against schlepping the defendant, lawyers, witnesses, and jury up to Albany, which had been considered. Brooklyn happened to have the nearest federal courthouse to the City, but Alex didn't have to like it.

There were several murmurs and turned heads as she entered the courtroom, interrupting the defense counsel mid-way through his questioning of Olivia. Even he was forced to break his line of questioning as all the jurors, the judge, and Olivia all watched her head for the first row of seats, where Lena Petrovsky was saving her a place. "Liz told me you might show up," she said in a low voice as Alex sat down with her purse in her lap. "She thought she would find you working out your frustrations in the gym."

Alex didn't ask how Liz had known where to look or what to say. She supposed it was women's intuition – or maybe lawyers' intuition. "What did I miss?"

"Olivia is holding her own pretty well," the judge said. "A little hostile, but she has a right to be."

"Quiet, please," the judge said, rapping his gavel twice to try and restore some order in the gallery. Alex refused to be ashamed of the stir she had caused, and held her head high, grateful that no cameras were allowed in the courtroom. She was sure that flashes would assault her on the way out, but she would take things one step at a time.

"Captain Benson, how long has Alexandra Cabot been the District Attorney of New York County?"

"Two years now," Olivia said, giving a nonspecific answer even though she could remember the exact date Alex had been sworn in to office.

"And that position comes with a great deal of power, does it not?"

"And a great deal of responsibility." She knew from personal experience just how many hours Alex worked and how difficult her job was. Many DAs in the past had enjoyed the perks while passing all the unpleasant tasks (and blame) onto their subordinates. Shit runs downhill, as they say. Alex had been on the end of such landslides many times.

"So, in your opinion, DA Cabot has a great deal of influence over the legal system in New York? She chooses when and how to file charges, what penalties to ask for, what warrants to get..."

"I've never been to law school," Olivia quipped, "but judges are the ones who grant warrants. At least, that's how it's always worked in the twenty years I've spent on the force." She remembered more conversations than she could count where Alex had refused to ask for a warrant because she knew no judge in their right mind would grant it.

"What warrants to ask for," the annoyed attorney corrected himself. "So it's safe to say that DA Cabot has her fingers in a lot of pies."

Alex almost burst out laughing in the gallery at the unfortunate phrasing. If she had been at the prosecution's table, she would have objected. "Your honor, I prefer not to speculate where the DA's fingers have been." Unfortunately, she was the DA, and they were talking about her. She couldn't forget that.

"I'm very proud of her," Olivia countered. "She works hard for her constituents and the people of New York." She lifted her chin upwards just slightly, staring the defense attorney down with the sure, calm gaze that she usually held on the stand. Not even a trial as personal as this one could shake her in front of all these spectators.

"She has a lot of friends in the legal community." He paused, glancing at the gallery. "As you can see, there are several members of the judiciary here today."

"There are plenty of reporters here, too," Olivia pointed out, even though no question had been asked. "So what?"

"I believe her former boss, Arthur Branch, is now a United States Senator?"

"Yes." Olivia had voted for him for Alex's sake, although she didn't necessarily agree with a few of his conservative policies. Fortunately, he wasn't one of those Republicans that bashed gays either. His public and private support of Alex spoke volumes as to his stance on the issue.

"You've seen plenty of defendants come and go in your time as a police officer, haven't you, Captain Benson?" said Herrera's lawyer, turning back to face Olivia. "Do you really think that a man accused of slandering the District Attorney – a District Attorney who has friends and allies on the bench, in the largest law firms in the country, in the press, and even in the United States Senate - can really receive a fair trial?"

"That's why we made the drive to Brooklyn," Olivia said calmly. "Alex Cabot is so concerned about giving everyone a fair trial – even this scumbag –" she gestured carelessly at the defendant, who looked bored with the proceedings, although he did spend a fair amount of time checking out what parts of Olivia he could see above the witness stand, "that she lobbied to move this trial to the federal level so that she wouldn't have to get involved except as a witness. As for all the people in attendance, maybe they just want to show their support? Not everything is a conspiracy."

"He really needs to get a better handle on Olivia if he wants to have any chance of getting his client off," Alex whispered to Petrovsky, pleased that she was able to observe the trial somewhat analytically now that she had already taken her turn on the stand.

Petrovsky raised her eyebrows. "Alex, have you ever known anyone to "get a handle" on Olivia? Even you?"

The former ADA smiled slightly. "No. No, I haven't."

. . .

The camera flashes Alex had predicted came as soon as she walked down the courthouse steps. She didn't make an effort to shield her face, but she did squint slightly at the sudden brightness and tried to keep her expression neutral. Hopefully, Olivia wouldn't take too much longer inside. She knew the detective had seen her, and was banking on the fact that they would go home together.

"Mrs. Cabot – Mrs. Cabot!"

"Can we get a statement?"

"Do you think the jury will convict - ...?"

"- What about the accusations of misconduct –"

That last question was one that had not been asked before, and Alex figured it would probably be wise to address – briefly. "I have always prided myself on my ethics, both in my professional life and my personal life. I only associate with people who share the same values. Dilan Herrera is in a difficult situation of his own making, and he will say anything to get out of it. His guilt is for the federal criminal courts and a jury of his peers to decide. If he has any complaints, he can take them up with the appellate courts after his trial."

Fortunately, just as she was finishing up her little sound byte, Olivia exited the courthouse accompanied by a court security guard and several off-duty investigators from the DA's office. She knew that Olivia hated having to be escorted when she was fully capable of defending herself, but like it or not, she was a politician's wife, and all the physical skills in the world wouldn't be much use against a bunch of annoying, intrusive reporters.

Alex smiled and left her own gaggle of photographers in the dust, striding over to Olivia and offering her arm. "Hey," she said, "want to head home?"

"Never more than right now," Olivia said with a loud sigh that was nevertheless almost drowned out by the clicks, flashes, and raised voices. She took Alex's arm and headed back into the courthouse. "I figured I'd find you out here, Miss Popular. Want to sneak back in? I bet someone will let us out through the back if we ask very nicely. They've gotten their money shots, there's no reason to stay."

"You got it," Alex said, giving the officers accompanying them a nod and heading back through the double doors of the courthouse.

"You aren't mad that I came to watch, are you?" she asked once they had left the chaos of the federal courthouse and slipped into an unmarked car. "I know you told me to stay away this morning, but –"

Olivia put her hand on Alex's knee. "No, I shouldn't have said that," she interrupted before Alex could continue trying to apologize. "I'm glad you came."

"It was Liz Donnelly that convinced me you would appreciate the support, even though you wouldn't admit it."

"Well, it looks like I owe her a thank-you, then. Even when she was riding your ass back when we were both in SVU, I always liked Donnelly."


	6. Chapter 6

Olivia hadn't slept well that night. Well, no, that wasn't quite right. She hadn't slept well in weeks... months, even. But last night had been particularly bad.

She was tired. So tired. There were blurry, foggy spots around the edges of her vision, and every time her heart beat, it sent an pulsing ache through her head and down the back of her neck. Her entire body felt heavy, as though it was weighed down with sand.

Even though she was exhausted and her head hurt, her mind wouldn't shut up. She wondered if this was what it was like to be Alex, analyzing the possible outcomes of every situation and focusing on the bad ones. Counseling had taught Alex how to break out of that downward spiral, but Olivia didn't have the benefit of behavior modification therapy to help her.

Years at SVU dealing with victims should have prepared her for this, she thought as she sat in the small waiting room just next to the judge's chambers. But no, her experience didn't help. It was always different when it happened to you. Lowell Harris had taught her that. No one, not even the department-assigned counselor she had been forced to speak with, knew that she had woken up screaming for months after that. And thanks to Fin, he hadn't even gotten to her.

That experience did teach Olivia a lesson. For the first time, she understood, truly understood down to her bones, how a woman could not want to testify after being sexually assaulted or raped. On the other hand, since she had testified, it gave her a little more weight when she asked victims to do the same.

Olivia hated herself for sustaining any emotional damage at all afterwards. She had hated herself then, and she hated herself now. In high school, she had been the obsessive type that thought her own problems with an alcoholic, borderline abusive mother didn't matter since there were children starving in Africa.

Alex had been the one to point out how ridiculous that comparison was. Suffering doesn't go away, doesn't become meaningless, because someone else has suffered more, she said. Olivia's feelings were no less valid. If that were true, the attorney had argued in her orderly, logical fashion, only one person in the entire world would have suffered at all. Besides, Olivia only applied that unbalanced view of suffering to herself. Everyone else's problems mattered

Knowing all she knew about sex, betrayal, suffering, and overcoming hardships, Olivia thought, she should have been better prepared. But how could someone ever be prepared for this? Sex was something dirty and undignified and compelling and tender and rough and indescribable and amazing and intensely, intensely personal – which was why it turned in to such a huge problem when it went wrong.

"Two minutes, Captain Benson," the bailiff said from his position beside the door.

Olivia's sleepiness was starting to transform into energy and anger. This defense attorney had been at her for one full day already. His examination of Alex had lasted less than an hour. Obviously, he thought she was the weaker link – or, at least, the one less comfortable in a courtroom. He wanted to make her say something, anything, that would cause a mistrial or cast Alex in an unsympathetic light. The guy was grasping at straws – trying to find and push all of her buttons in the hope that a miracle would occur. It was the only strategy left to him, since the evidence against Herrera was overwhelming.

She wasn't going to let him.

He had underestimated her, probably because Alex was something of a legend at the DA's office. Came back from the dead, known for winning impossible cases, the youngest DA in Manhattan's history, one of the very few women to ever hold the position, and the first to be openly gay. Even those who disliked her had to admit that Alex was impressive, to say the least.

And what was she? Olivia knew she was damn good at her job, but she wasn't sure how much of the job was left to her anymore. She avoided face time with victims now, simply controlling her squad's movements and hating that she couldn't get more deeply involved. Part of the reason was simply the nature of her promotion, which she had taken mostly for Alex's sake, and part of it was this scandal. How was she supposed to talk to victims when they all knew her face, and possibly the rest of her body as well? It wasn't fair.

The only comfort she took now was that she was a good wife to Alex. But even that was coming under fire, thanks to Herrera. She had let this happen. She should have done something... should have known better...

Olivia sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, realizing that she was sounding like a self-castigating rape victim again. She hadn't given the guy an invitation to break into her apartment, steal from her, and release a sex tape on the Internet. In fact, she was shocked that Herrera had even come up with such a brazen plan. He was a small time criminal and kind of an idiot.

"They're ready for you."

The former detective stood up and brushed away the wrinkles in her blouse. She was wearing a rather feminine ensemble, which she didn't mind, but didn't feel very comfortable in, either. Sex permeated every facet of this trial, even though she wished that wasn't true. Whether they were aware of it or not, people were more likely to feel sorry for conventionally beautiful, traditionally feminine Olivia Benson than the slightly rough-around-the-edges, dominant, butch part of her that she only released for Alex. Sometimes, Olivia felt like an octopus on one of those boring nature programs that Alex always watched (and that she watched as well to humor her lover), able to change color and shape to mimic whatever she wanted.

She flexed her toes in the constricting tips of her pointed high heels and prepared herself. "Okay. Thanks."

. . .

'I hate you,' Olivia thought as she glared at the defendant's table. Herrera was staring back, but he wasn't making her uncomfortable, only angry. Olivia wasn't usually given to hate. She had seen too many examples of the infested, rotting cesspools of hate that barely qualified as people and committed unspeakable acts against their fellow humans. But she found that she hated Dilan Herrera, his defense attorney, the judge, the jury, and all the spectators and reporters that were gawking at her like she was a gladiator about to face down a lion in an ancient coliseum. In fact, the only person she didn't hate in the world right now was Alex.

Alex was in the gallery, trying to offer silent support even though she was making herself as much of a spectacle as Olivia by coming to watch the trial. She didn't like the idea of Alex being on display – yet again – for the crowd's amusement, but a small, selfish part of her was grateful for her presence.

Olivia had already been sworn in, so she didn't need to repeat the process. She was grateful – mostly, she just wanted to get this over with and go home. Maybe once she did, the hate would go away. Hatred did not come naturally to Olivia Benson, and she disliked its presence within her.

"Captain Benson –" the defense attorney had tried referring to her as 'Mrs. Benson' at the beginning of the trial, but Jonathan had made a point of objecting every time he did so. It infuriated Olivia that even her rank, a rank she had worked hard for, was a battle that needed fighting. "Yesterday, I asked you whether the defendant could ever receive a fair trial. Have you ever known Alexandra Cabot to use the privileges afforded to her by her job for personal gain?"

Olivia, already in a sour mood, frowned at the implications. "No," she answered honestly. She knew what was coming next before the lawyer even asked his question.

"You were one of the lead investigators on the Sam Cavanaugh case, were you not? He spent almost a year in a coma before dying due to his severe brain damage."

To her credit, Alex's expression remained unshaken as she listened to the defense counselor's question from the gallery. Olivia knew that being reminded of Sam Cavanaugh still cast a shadow over Alex's heart every time. She hated Herrera's lawyer twice as much for bringing it up.

"My partner and I, Elliot Stabler, were leads on that investigation, yes."

"And Mrs. Cabot lied to you about possessing a warrant to search the victim's room?"

"She was suspended for thirty days without pay afterwards." Not that Alex needed the money. But the rebuke had stung. Made her doubt herself. She nearly quit her job at that point.

"Did you get a conviction in that case?"

"Yes. Eventually."

"Is it true that Cabot pushed Sam Cavanaugh to testify? That she is the reason he attempted suicide?"

"Objection!" Jonathan shouted. "This entire line of questioning is irrelevant."

"It goes to character, Your Honor..."

The judge frowned. "I'll allow it. But tread carefully."

"And she has used deception in other circumstances as well. The ends justify the means?" Olivia even knew the Latin for that one, thanks to Alex. One of her wife's most hated, but also most frequently used, proverbs. Exitus acta probat.

"No," Olivia answered.

"Are you sure? Let's see. Defense exhibit 13-A, a citation from the Honorable Lena Petrovsky. Eleven years ago – she collaborated, possibly illegally, with a defense attorney to revoke the immunity of fifteen-year-old Missy Kurtz. She was tried as an adult and got the death penalty."

'And you conveniently forgot to mention that Missy raped her little sister and convinced her boyfriend to do the same before killing her,' the former detective thought bitterly. She could sense the jury's shock and horror. She didn't answer, since no question had actually been framed.

"Objection! Relevance?" Jonathan said again, rising out of his chair.

"Establishing a pattern of behavior, Your Honor..."

"Reframe your statements as direct questions to the witness. You're wasting the court's time with this dirty laundry list."

"I believe Mrs. Cabot was even incarcerated for contempt of court during her time as SVU's ADA. Isn't that right, Detective Benson?"

Olivia remembered that case all too clearly. Petrovsky had been in a bad mood, but Alex had also kind of deserved it. Elizabeth Donnelly had, of course, been furious. "Yes," she said, hoping she could hide her disgust behind a one-word answer.

"You've known her for almost twenty years. You married her. Is it fair to assume that D.A. Cabot thinks she is above the legal system?" He didn't wait for Olivia to answer. He had made his point. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, D.A. Cabot thinks she's untouchable. That normal people are beneath her. Because she's educated, wealthy, and powerful, the rules don't apply to her behavior. Not the rules of the D.A.'s office, not state and federal law, and not the rules of society. She has judges in her back pocket, congressmen and senators in the palm of her hand. This sham of a trial is only taking place because she wants revenge."

"Objection," Michaels said. "This isn't closing arguments."

This time, the judge sided with him. "Sustained. Ask a question or finish."

"No further questions, Your Honor."

"Recross?" Michaels asked. He stood when the judge nodded his consent from the bench.

"Quickly. We're about to break for lunch." Olivia couldn't even find it in herself to be amused by the rather portly judge's impatience. She was vibrating with rage. Every mistake, every case Herrera's lawyer had brought up was like a punch in the gut. No, worse. It was like watching someone slap Alex across the face while she was frozen, unable to protect her.

"Olivia, what are the charges against Dilan Herrera?"

"Assault in the first degree, criminal possession of a controlled substance in the first degree, criminal possession of a weapon in the second degree, burglary in the first degree, breaking and entering after dark, bribery of a public official, extortion of a public official..."

Michaels cut her off. "If he is guilty of those crimes, should he be punished for them?"

"Yes. To the fullest extent of the law." 'He should rot in hell...'

"One more question. How have the defendant's crimes – alleged crimes –" he corrected himself after a warning glance from the judge, "affected your relationship with your wife? Specifically."

Jonathan had promised he wouldn't ask that question. He had promised her explicitly. She knew what he wanted her to say. Olivia looked at Alex, hoping her lover would make the decision for her. There was pain and sorrow and pity in the familiar blue eyes, and Olivia hated herself for not being able to take it away. That was supposed to be her job. She had failed. Just like she had failed at everything else.

"We – we were planning to have a baby. Before..." Before both of them were too old for it to be feasible. Olivia had always wanted children. Alex had come around enthusiastically to the idea, with the right spouse by her side. It was another reason Olivia had accepted the promotion to Captain. Less fieldwork. Now, it was just another shattered dream. "We won't... can't... now. It wouldn't matter if Alex got pregnant or we adopted. In a couple of years, they'd be bound to see... us... on the Internet. No child deserves that kind of humiliation. No adult deserves that kind of humiliation."

"No more questions for this witness, Your Honor."

The Court thanked her for her time. When they broke for lunch, Olivia didn't even bother waiting for Alex. She couldn't look at her wife right now. She needed to be alone.

. . .

"Olivia?"

The former detective's response was a noncommittal grunt. She was staring at the television, watching a rerun of some medical drama that Alex vaguely remembered her criticizing just a few weeks earlier. She didn't seem to be taking in anything – not the show, not her, not any part of her surroundings.

Alex sat beside her on the couch, a box of Chinese take-out in each hand. She had even threaded one of the two ornamental sets of chopsticks she owned through her bun in an attempt at levity. Olivia usually found it amusing that Alex was terrible at using chopsticks to eat, but was an expert at using them to style her hair. That was why she currently carried one disposable set for Olivia and a fork for herself.

"Come on," she said, setting one of the containers on Olivia's lap. "I thought you were the Take-Out Queen..." Another inside joke. Both of them knew how to cook – discounting the one time Alex had set fire to her stove – but hated to expend the effort except on special occasions. They had argued about who ordered more take-out until Olivia showed Alex the enormous stash of menus hanging on the door of her fridge and declared herself the Take-Out Queen. That was back before Alex had left to join WITSEC.

"I mostly feel like an ass right now," Olivia said. Or maybe a kicked dog. Either way, she felt like shit.

"Good thing I like your ass."

Olivia sighed, ignoring the food. She had lost her appetite. "You don't need to do this, Alex. Just let me be miserable for a while. I've earned it."

The blonde frowned, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose and folding her arms over her breasts in her best 'no nonsense' look. "Olivia, I'm your wife. Would you sit by while I was miserable, or would you try and get me to open up?"

"No..."

"Then don't expect me to. It's not fair."

Alex clasped Olivia's shoulder, wincing when the detective actually flinched at the touch. Her lover's trust – not in Alex herself, but in the universe and the human race at large – had been fundamentally shaken. It was one of the reasons Alex had fallen in love with Olivia. Despite everything she had seen, the brutal crimes, the dead bodies, the broken children, the frightened women, the ruined families, she still retained a core belief, very deep down, that there were good people in the world. Olivia was only human. Her faith faltered. She lost herself in the darkness. But she always came back.

The light in her eyes was gone. Alex didn't know how to bring it back.

They hadn't talked about having a child since the scandal broke out several months ago. Before, it was a conversation they had at least once every other day. Considering doctors. Debating the pros and cons of adoption versus sperm banks and in vitro. They had been leaning towards adoption. Although Alex didn't look her age, she wasn't in her prime childbearing years, either, and Olivia was even farther from them. But what adoption agency in their right mind would give a child to someone with a viral lesbian sex tape on the Internet, however qualified they might be as parents?

It wasn't fair. None of this was fair.

"Do you think the defense was right?" Alex asked, deliberately not mentioning the future they wouldn't be able to have. "About Herrera not getting a fair trial?"

"I think we're the ones not getting a fair anything," Olivia said.

"Point taken." Alex wanted to scoot closer to Olivia, but leaned back against the couch instead and opened her take-out container. They ate in silence, the drone of the television smoothing over everything they wanted to say but couldn't.

Later that night, before they went to bed, Olivia went to put on a nightshirt, but stopped when she saw the hurt look in Alex's eyes. "Are you cold?" she asked from underneath the covers, her glasses resting on the night table and her hair falling loose around her bare shoulders. "I can turn up the thermostat."

Hearing the unspoken request behind Alex's words, Olivia dropped the shirt onto the floor and climbed in to bed naked. She pulled the covers over them both and draped an arm over Alex's waist, brushing her blonde hair aside to kiss the back of her neck. She realized that she had been doing little things, like covering up before bed even when it was warm, to isolate herself. Alex didn't deserve that.

"I won't let them take this from us, too," she whispered as she spooned her lover from behind, naked breasts pressing just above Alex's shoulderblades. They – Herrera, his lawyer, the press, the entire world – had already taken so much. She wouldn't let them destroy this.


	7. Chapter 7

When Olivia saw Alex smiling, actually smiling, at her laptop as she walked into their home office, she knew something was going on. The trial was expected to wrap up in the next forty-eight hours, and both of them had been stumbling through the day like zombies... until now.

Seeing her wife smile made Olivia smile as well, and she casually stuffed her hands in her pockets, swaggering over to stand behind Alex's chair. "Hey, sexy. Whatcha looking at?"

It was so close to the normal, easy back-and-forth the trial had all but destroyed that Alex began to tear up. She swallowed, remembering why she was happy. "You're a detective. Guess. What do you always tease me about, Olivia?"

"Cleaning the shower obsessively?"

"Try again."

"Hmmm... quoting Greek playwrights?"

"Nope. Closer, though."

"Something nerdy, then. Could it be your eclectic musical tastes? Your bad attempts at poetry?" Alex's poetry was actually quite good, but Olivia had made a game out of insulting it that both of them found amusing. Or, at least, they used to.

"It does involve me writing something..."

Olivia thought about it for a moment. "Not legal briefs, I hope." Her lover had countless little quirks that no one at work was aware of. They wouldn't have supported her cold, ruthless image. Even back during their time in SVU, no one had known that Alex religiously painted her toenails simply because she enjoyed it, always checked behind the shower curtain for axe murderers after watching Psycho at the tender age of eleven (Olivia liked to point out that Norman Bates had been standing outside the shower when he stabbed Janet Leigh's character, not hiding in it), and could whistle just about anything. "I've got it!" she said at last, snapping her fingers. "The dorky way you write to advice columnists sometimes." The look on Alex's face confirmed that she had guessed correctly. "Which one answered you?"

"My very favorite."

"Prudence? You usually like her, even if her headlines are sensational." Unfortunately, Olivia had become familiar with several advice columnists over the years thanks to Alex's slightly trashy indulgence.

"Nope, my other favorite." Alex grinned and tilted the screen of her laptop back slightly so that Olivia could read.

The e-mail began:

_'I normally hate asking for help. In my job (high profile, and some call it sleazy), asking for help is seen as a weakness. But I really could use some right now._

_Some private information about me has become very, very public. Newsworthy. To be honest, it's a strain on my job, my marriage, and pretty much all the relationships in my life. The whole world seems to be spinning out of control. I would be more specific, but I don't want to make the situation worse._

_I know this isn't forever. The next sex scandal will come along and push me into the background. But, barring time, how do I move forward and keep living my life when everything I do is held under a microscope? How do I get rid of this pain before I start redirecting it at the people I love?'_

"The people you love?" Olivia asked.

"The woman I love," Alex clarified. "I didn't want to give too much away... I know it's an advice column and not a tabloid, but privacy is privacy."

_'I just wish this whole thing would go away, but I've used up more than my fair share of wishes for this lifetime. How do I deal with reality instead?_

_Wishing Is Seldom Helpful'_

"Nice acronym," Olivia said. "But isn't using a form of the acronym as the first word cheating?"

Alex rolled her eyes. "Oh, shut up and read the response."

_'Well, this one's a doozy, WISH. There have been a lot of sex scandals in the news lately. Without knowing for sure which one you're involved in, I can't tailor my advice, but I'll try. If none of the following people are you, figure out which one is closest to your situation and modify accordingly._

_If you are Senator Rick Jameson... Why the hell are you writing to a flamingly gay advice columnist? You got what you deserved and the only people I feel sorry for are your poor wife and daughters. Instead of the standard television apology, why not put your money where your mouth is (was) and donate to an LGBT charity, or maybe a women's shelter if you can't stomach that?_

_If you are Representative Joel Harris... just come out already. Denying it only makes the story more interesting. The news cycle will get over you, I promise. Why didn't you attach shirtless pics?_

_If you are Martin Young... Bitch, please. Maybe if you had actually used some of the billions of dollars you made before JPMorgan Chase fired you to pay your friendly neighborhood hookers instead of stiffing them literally and figuratively, they wouldn't have leaked those pictures of you doing meth. Pay your sex workers next time._

_If you are D.A. Alexandra Cabot Benson (PLEASE be Alexandra Cabot Benson and not those other douchebags)... e-mail me. I want you on my podcast. I also want to be you when I grow up. The best way for your relationship to heal is time, open communication, and maybe a week of NOT seeing the sights in Paris or Rome. You've earned a fucking vacation. Interpret that how you will._

_Hey, readers, I've been tossing around an idea. I usually don't get involved in political messes, but Alex has been such a huge advocate of ours that I think we should pay it forward. Since Senator Jameson is very unlikely to take my advice, and D.A. Cabot Benson won't need reelection funds for another couple of years, my husband and I want to donate something in Alex's name instead. She used to prosecute sex crimes, right? I've narrowed the list down to four charities that support victims of rape and sexual assault. Vote below, and feel free to chip in yourselves.'_

"This might be the first positive and non sexually degrading response to this clusterfuck that I've read," Olivia said cheerfully.

"There are others," Alex said. "Apparently, I've become some kind of hero to the gay and kink community, even if the rest of the world thinks I'm a degenerate whore." Since Alex didn't sound too self-deprecating when she said it, Olivia didn't take her to task for the barb.

"If you're a degenerate whore, I don't want to know what the woman fucking you in your sex tape is..." She was pleased when Alex laughed. It was the first time they had joked about the situation instead of crying or wanting to punch the wall.

"So, what would you think of a Paris vacation? Might be nice. It's been ages since I took time off from work."

The detective's smile was decidedly wolfish. "I think that if you want to blow our money on airline fees and fly to Paris so that I can fuck you senseless in the hotel room for a week, that's your prerogative."

Alex didn't bother hiding the shiver that rippled out from her chest and down to her toes. She swallowed and wetted her lower lip with her tongue. "Damn it, Olivia. That's another pair of panties ruined, thanks to you." Their sex life had been burning hot and cold lately – long stretches without followed by intense, extended bouts of uncontrolled physical release. Some made them cry, and some made them scream, but so far, they had yet to reclaim the playfulness that characterized their physical relationship before. They had picked up where they left off with basic D/s scenes, and there had been a few soul-wrenching, tender sessions of lovemaking, the kind that brought on tears, but nothing lighthearted and fun. Alex found herself looking forward to reclaiming that aspect of their sexuality.

"As it should be. You'll book the tickets? Put in for time off?"

"I'm the District Attorney, Olivia. When I want time off, I take it. I'm more concerned about your schedule."

"Yeah, right. I have so much vacation and sick leave built up that I could go gallivanting around the globe if I wanted to."

Alex closed her laptop and started to turn around in her chair, but Olivia gripped her shoulders, holding her in place as she began massaging the knotted muscles behind the wings of Alex's shoulder blades. "Hopefully you'll be satisfied with Paris. Maybe a quick hop over to London or Madrid."

"Christ, you're really tight, aren't you?" Olivia said with a frown, tenderly probing at the knot she had been trying to work on. Alex groaned, partially in a mix of pleasure and pain, and partially because of the really bad double entendre.

"Olivia – ooh, a little lower... yeah, there – anyway, that sounded terrible. Stop being a pervert. Hmm, do you want to do Rome instead? Less stereotypical."

"Does it matter? We've already established that you're not going to see much beyond the hotel room. I owe you..."

"You don't owe me anything..."

"Yeah, I do. I know I've mostly been the one to turn you down lately." It was partially true. Aside from a few vivid exceptions, Alex had been doing the majority of the initiating for a while, and Olivia knew it was starting to wear on her self-confidence. "In fact," she murmured, bending down to tuck her chin over Alex's shoulder and breathe against her ear, "what do you think about a dress rehearsal for Paris? Or Rome. Or Uzbekistan. Or wherever. I honestly don't care as long as the bed's sturdy."

Alex smiled and tilted her head back, deliberately exposing the pale column of her throat. "I'll find us a four-poster," she said with her eyes closed, smiling as Olivia's hand began to worm its way under her shirt.

. . .

"Are you ready?"

Alex felt herself being dragged out of slumber by the familiar sound of her lover's voice. Something about the urgency in it cleared the fog inside of her head. She blinked slowly, squinting over at Olivia with narrowed eyes, her body trembling as she tried to stretch within the confines of the detective's arms.

"What, hon?"

"Because I'm not ready... I feel sick just thinking about it."

The ADA blinked again, staring at the slightly painful glow of the red-numbered digital clock. "It's three in the morning. Go back to sleep," she urged, even as she sat up in bed and reached for her glasses, a clumsy hand thumping across the nightstand until her stiff fingers clutched the bridge and half of a lens. She flipped open the arms and slid them carelessly over her nose, not caring that she had trapped a lock of hair in an awkward position against her head.

"I can't sleep. What if they let him off?"

"They won't let him off. Even if none of the blackmail charges stick, he's definitely going to prison for several years purely on the drug and weapon violations."

"I don't care about those charges. I want him to go to prison because of what he did to us." Olivia knew better than most how rarely victims got closure, and even though they hadn't been physically attacked, they were still victims. Maybe that insight was keeping her awake. She kept talking, aiming her words at the ceiling. "How many times have I told a poor, terrified woman that it would be okay even if the jury didn't convict, because she had spoken out and done everything she could? Using your voice is hollow comfort when you're about to see the person who hurt you walk free. I was spouting such bullshit then, and I probably knew it."

"It wasn't bullshit then, and it isn't bullshit now." Alex tucked her head against Olivia's shoulder, ignoring the way her glasses pressed uncomfortably beneath her eyes. "It's normal to be upset and scared about this."

"That doesn't change the fact that it sucks. I hate that some random scumbag has so much power over my emotions. This is my life, not his, and he ruined it with nothing more than a damn Internet connection. I was finally at a place in my life where I was happy with myself and my choices, but now..."

Alex sighed, pressing her lips to Olivia's slick, salty skin. If her lover had slept at all, she had done so fitfully, interspersed with tossing and turning. "There are no easy answers, Olivia. Bad things happen to good people, and they suffer for it. All you can do is remind yourself that things will get better. It isn't easy, and it isn't fair, and it rarely works, but it's all we've got. Try and pretend everything is okay, even though we both know it's not. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for me."

Feeling trapped by the bedsheets and Alex's arms, Olivia sat up and swung her feet over the side of the bed, not caring that she was naked. "Want anything from the kitchen?" she asked, not quite a brush-off, but close.

"Water, if you're going." Alex knew better than to follow Olivia. Sometimes, she just needed a few minutes alone. "But if you're not back in ten minutes, I'm coming after you, and we're going to cuddle this out."

"Fair enough."

"Check and see if the cat's food bowl is empty, please!" Alex called after Olivia's naked silhouette. "Maybe that will keep her from waking us up in two hours, begging for food. I'm getting tired of the 'paw behind the mirror' blackmail trick."

"Got it! I'll be back in a minute." Olivia was relieved when she left the bedroom, grateful that she was married to a woman that accepted her need for space. Over the years, she had gotten better at sharing her feelings with Alex, but sometimes she just wanted a few quiet moments to herself.

Ignoring the slight chill of the air conditioning as she walked naked through the house, she followed the faint glow of the hall night-lights so that she wouldn't have to deal with the harsh glare of the ceiling fixtures. A pair of glowing eyes peered out at her from around the corner, and Olivia smiled. "Hi there, pumpkin. You want something to eat? Only a little bit, though. You're getting fat."

Sandra, named after the former Supreme Court Justice, was already overweight. Alex took the health of her pets very seriously, and so poor Sandra was on a strict diet of carefully measured dry food and the occasional dental treat. The cat was also part Siamese, which meant that she complained very vocally about the small portions she received.

Olivia scooped up the heavy cat in her arms, and for once, Sandra didn't protest, probably because her human was heading toward the kitchen. "God, you are fat," she repeated as she shifted the cat's weight in her arms. "No wonder my feet fall asleep when you sit on them."

As soon as Olivia set her down on the kitchen floor, Sandra began circling her food bowl excitedly, weaving in and out of Olivia's legs and sticking her head in the cabinet where her food was kept. Olivia had to grab her by the hips and drag her back out in order to fill her bowl.

Once the cat was busy wolfing down her food, Olivia poured herself a glass of filtered water and snuck a shortbread cookie from the pantry. At the sound of the crinkling package being opened, Sandra abandoned her food and came over to stand at Olivia's feet again, meowing piteously. Olivia, who had grown up feeding her dog scraps from the table with no ill effects, found it hard to adjust to owning a pet that she wasn't allowed to share her food with, but knew it was for Sandra's own good.

"Nope. That face isn't gonna work this time. Cookies are people food. You have your own food." She gave Sandra a gentle nudge towards the food bowl with her foot, but the cat didn't budge. "Fine. Sit there and stare at me. See if I care." She shoved the rest of the cookie in her mouth to banish temptation and chased it with a long gulp of water. Then, she refilled the cup and leaned against the counter, drumming her fingers near the toaster oven.

When Olivia's brain finally registered the blaring red numbers on the oven timer that she had been staring at, she realized it had already been eight minutes. "You're awful company, you know?" she said to the cat, who had reluctantly wandered back over to the food bowl. Olivia found herself missing Alex even though they had only been apart for a few minutes. Perhaps the years had changed her after all, because the old Olivia would have wanted to stay by herself on the couch until morning.

Olivia picked up the half-filled cup that she had forgotten and got a few ice cubes from ice machine on the refrigerator door. She knew that Alex would chew on them when she got back, making her wince after each annoying crunch, but she didn't think twice. Maybe that was what marriage was about. Getting Alex ice cubes for her water, feeding the cat at three in the goddamn morning, and actually talking about her problems like a rational person instead of bottling them up.

It wasn't such a bad thing, she thought. Relying on someone else emotionally. Checking the clock to make sure that her ten minutes weren't up yet, she headed back to the bedroom, ignoring the slick, cold condensation on the side of the glass.


	8. Chapter 8

Even though she was on the other side of the bar this time, Alex had spent too many years prosecuting cases to ignore the pre-verdict signs. Closing statements were finished by ten, and the jury came back shortly after lunch. The short deliberations probably meant good news. Secretly, Alex suspected that they had only taken that long because they wanted one more free meal from the state before handing down their verdict. She didn't blame them, and part of her felt guilty that they had been kept in sequester for so long, partially because of her. As the jury filed back in to the courtroom, she made a mental note to send Branch a new set of golf clubs or something.

"I wish I was in France," she said, not realizing she had spoken aloud until she felt Olivia grip her hand. She was sitting on Alex's right side, and she turned to look at her wife with concern.

"We can leave now if you want... I just thought you might want closure."

Alex frowned and continued staring straight ahead, although she gave Olivia's hand a squeeze. "I'm not here for myself. I'm here because it would be hypocritical of me to stay home." Briefly, Alex thought of the hundreds of women she had encouraged to face their attackers in court over the years. The words of support she had given them seemed so meaningless now. In a few hours, it would be over, and she would be sitting first class thirty thousand feet above the Atlantic tomorrow. She would probably order a drink. Maybe something with brandy, although she usually didn't like it. And Olivia would be sleeping next to her. She always fell asleep on flights...

The judge interrupted her mental images of a drooling, slack-jawed Olivia. "Would I be correct that Juror Number 3 was elected as the foreman of this jury?"

"Yes, your Honor."

"Do you have the verdict slip?"

Olivia let out a soft gasp as the foreman carried the paperwork over to the judge. "You okay?" Alex murmured. Olivia had been mostly silent during the morning, except to ask whether or not she was all right.

"I'm fine," she said dryly. "I like holding your hand, Alex, but you're gonna break my fingers if you squeeze any harder."

With a guilty twitch, she let go of Olivia's hand and shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Normally, fidgeting was beneath her, but she couldn't seem to get comfortable.

It only took a few moments for the judge to make sure all the forms were signed, dated, and in the correct order. He handed them back to the foreman. "Would you please read starting with the count number, the identification of the crime, and the verdict? Counsel, please stand as well. You too, Mr. Herrera."

The mention of Herrera's name made Alex's eyes lock on the back of his head. She didn't want to look at him, but she didn't want to give him the satisfaction of looking away either. For some reason, she wished she could see his face.

"On the sixteenth of November, we the jury find the defendant as to: Count one, assault in the first degree, guilty. Count two, criminal possession of a controlled substance in the first degree, guilty. Count three, burglary in the first degree, guilty. Count four, breaking and entering after dark, guilty..."

Alex held her breath, waiting to hear the charges she truly cared about.

"Count five, bribery of a public official, guilty. Count six, extortion of a public official, guilty..."

Alex didn't hear the rest of the verdict. There was a strange, silent ringing in her ears, and she felt Olivia holding her hand again. She saw people around and in front of her form words with their lips, but no sound accompanied them. It was over. They believed her, Herrera was guilty, and it was over. So why did she still feel so empty?

Perhaps, unlike Olivia, she had already assumed that he wouldn't get away with his crimes. Punishment didn't matter to her anymore. What she wanted was her old life back, a wish that would never come true. At least, not for a long time.

A few minutes later, Alex heard Jonathan say the same sentence she had uttered so many times in court. "Your Honor, may the verdict be recorded?"

"Any motions first?" the judge asked, looking at the defense attorney.

"Poll the jury!" he said, withering slightly under the judge's glare before he tempered his language. "The defense would request a poll, your Honor."

The judge turned to the jury. "Juror Number 1, did you hear the verdict?"

"Yes, your Honor."

"Do you agree with the verdict as it has been read to you?"

"Yes, your Honor."

"Juror Number 2?"

As the judge went down the line, Alex began to smile. Herrera's punishment didn't matter, but vindication did. These people all agreed that Herrera had committed a crime against her, and that she wasn't at fault. The anonymous accusations on the Internet and the scathing articles in the press didn't matter. This jury had seen the evidence. They had heard her story. And they believed her.

"Sentencing will be scheduled for approximately thirty days from now, with the date in place before the weekend. Let the verdict be recorded, and for the record, the time is twelve fifty nine p.m. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, thank you for your service. Court is now adjourned."

Alex stood automatically when she heard the word 'adjourned', secretly grateful when Olivia remained seated for a moment and allowed her shoulder to be gripped. "All right," she said, her words slightly rushed but still impeccably articulated, "let's go. We should probably pack our bags for Paris."

"I can't get up until you let go of me, sweetheart," Olivia said with a small but genuine smile.

With a soft sound of apology, Alex pulled back her hand. "Sorry..."

"Wanna go out the back? I'm sure the judges will let you use their security entrance."

Alex shook her head. "No. Maybe if I give a statement, they'll be less likely to bother us on vacation. Do you mind if I talk to Petrovsky first? She's been eyeing me from across the aisle." Olivia nodded her approval while Alex met the judge's eyes and started towards her, ignoring the other people in the courtroom who seemed to be watching.

"So, was it worth it?" Petrovsky asked, standing up from her chair as Alex approached her. "Hearing the verdict just like the hundreds of victims you dragged through my courtroom?"

"It was good for my conscience," Alex admitted. "Like I told Olivia earlier, it would have been hypocritical to stay home. But hearing the jury find him guilty didn't magically resolve all my feelings. I guess that's something I have to do for myself."

Petrovsky reached for her purse, which was draped over the back of her seat, and looped the strap over one shoulder. "You've been down this road before. You know where and when to get help."

"It's strange... Velez ruined my life for years, but I never felt..." Alex paused, groping for words, trying to explain herself. "I blamed myself for getting shot for a long time, wondered whether or not things would have been different if I hadn't pushed so hard... But even though I wondered, I came to terms with it eventually. Hiring Connors to kill me was Velez's choice. I wasn't going to be a self-blaming victim anymore. But this time, part of me wondered if I'd done something to deserve it again. Logically, I know I didn't. But sometimes..."

"If our feelings made sense, I doubt Manhattan's criminal court would even exist." Petrovsky spared a glance over Alex's shoulder and noticed Olivia standing several yards away, watching them with an almost protective glare on her face. "Your wife still hasn't forgiven me for throwing you in jail years ago," she said with just a hint of laughter in her voice. "You should see the look she's giving me."

"Now that I did deserve," Alex laughed. "Oh well, I guess it's time to face the flashbulbs. At least most of them won't be able to follow me to Paris." Her eyes widened suddenly. "Oops. Don't tell anyone else where I'm going, please. I'm trying to keep it quiet."

"Of course. Paris?" Petrovsky repeated.

"With a stop in Madrid." Alex waited a beat. "A very brief stop."

Petrovsky gave Alex a long look. "Good for you. After all this, you deserve it."

Deciding to interpret her response as 'you deserve a break after this trial' instead of 'you deserve a week of incredible sex to make up for all the shit that's been dumped on you lately', Alex said a brief goodbye and headed back to Olivia. Hopefully, her wife would remember not to say anything until they walked down the courthouse steps and were safely tucked away in Alex's car. So far, Olivia hadn't released any official statements, and Alex wanted to keep it that way.

. . .

Alex smiled as she listened to the sound of the sink running in the hotel bathroom. Until they had arrived in Paris, she hadn't realized how much staying at the apartment was weighing on her. Perhaps it was the knowledge that someone had broken into their home, or maybe it was the media attention during the trial, but she was glad for the change of scenery.

So far, none of the tabloid photographers had followed her to Paris, and their French counterparts hadn't stepped in. Either the French had a much more laissez faire attitude towards sex, or she wasn't as famous as she thought she was. Either way, Alex was grateful for the reprieve.

She sighed and watched the ceiling fan rotate lazily on its lowest setting, still listening to the reassuring sounds of her lover in the bathroom. Olivia was almost certainly brushing her teeth, a before-sex ritual (discounting quickies) that she was slightly fanatical about. Alex had noticed that if Olivia didn't get the chance to brush, because of location or urgency, she received fewer kisses and more bites. Of course, Olivia was a biter in general. One of the best investments Alex had ever made for her wardrobe was a professionally matched concealer.

When the light in the bathroom flicked off and the door opened, Alex turned immediately and sat up on the mattress, resting her hands on her knees. Olivia stood in the doorway wearing a pair of black bikini cut panties and a gray undershirt. It compressed her breasts slightly, but the material was thin enough to show the hardened tips, and Alex chewed on her lower lip. She reached up to adjust her hair, which she suspected had fallen out of its twist, but Olivia held up a hand and stopped her. "No, let me..."

Alex closed her eyes as Olivia came closer, and let out a sigh as she felt her glasses being removed and set aside. Her hair was next, falling loose about her shoulders as Olivia pulled out the tie that had held it back and plucked out a few stray bobby pins. Alex heard the soft click as they were dropped on the nightstand. "Do I get my glasses back?" she asked, still keeping her eyes closed. She knew how much Olivia enjoyed the square black frames.

"Of course," Olivia said, slipping them back into place and kissing Alex's nose. "You'll need them for what I have planned."

Those two sentences – surprisingly arousing despite being relatively tame – made Alex shift uncomfortably on the mattress. It was like a threat. A promise. And when such a promise was delivered in Olivia's low, husky voice... Alex's underwear already felt like it was ruined.

Olivia continued, encouraged by the flush on her wife's face. "We're on vacation now. About as removed from our lives as we can get. So we're going to have wild, kinky sex all night and sleep in tomorrow instead of sightseeing."

Aside from a few unplanned encounters, the two of them had participated in fewer scenes than usual over the past several months, and despite everything, Alex found herself missing them. She and Olivia hadn't discussed it much, with the trial weighing heavily on their minds, but Alex was pleased that her lover seemed interested in rekindling that part of their sexual relationship.

"I know I've been neglecting you a little bit lately..." Olivia said, practically reading Alex's mind. "I'm going to make it up to you." She paused, tucking a lock of Alex's blonde hair behind one ear and stroking the soft shape of her lips with the pad of a thumb. "But I haven't quite decided how."

"I thought you said you had plans already?" Alex said, only a little disappointed at how eager she sounded.

"Oh, I have plans," Olivia said, running her hands down the sides of Alex's bare arms. She cupped one of Alex's breasts, smiling when the attorney finally opened her eyes. "I've decided on the position and everything. What I haven't decided is whether I'm going to make you wait to come until you're absolutely begging for it, or whether I want to push you over the edge again and again, just to see how many times I can do it before your body gives out."

Alex felt her mouth go dry as the fabric of her underwear soaked through a second time. It was the only piece of clothing she was wearing, and she had hoped that being nearly naked would encourage Olivia to take things a little faster, but she seemed determined to set her own pace.

"For now, though, I want you to close your eyes again and wait for me. If you hear any weird noises, just ignore them."

"Yes, ma'am," Alex agreed automatically, all of the tension in her muscles melting as Olivia leaned down to kiss her. Her tongue brushed Alex's lips, slipping between them for a moment, and the former ADA shivered slightly as she tasted the cold bite of mint from Olivia's toothpaste.

"Good girl."

Dutifully, Alex closed her eyes, allowing Olivia to guide her into a sitting position on the edge of the bed. For the next two minutes, she listened to Olivia's footsteps, panting breaths, and a few loud thumps. She hoped that the people below them didn't complain.

Finally, Olivia seemed to finish whatever she was doing. "You can look now."

When Alex opened her eyes again, she gasped in surprise as she was met by her own reflection. Olivia had moved the large wooden armoire from the other side of the room right next to the bed, so the mirrored doors were directly in front of her. After a moment's thought, Alex scooted back on the bed and gave Olivia a dubious look. Watching themselves make love could potentially re-open old wounds, even though it wasn't being recorded. "Are you sure about this?" she blurted out before chastising herself for being so gun shy.

"Do you remember why we first decided to record ourselves?" Olivia asked, sitting beside Alex on the bed.

"I didn't believe you when you said I was beautiful."

Olivia's hand began rubbing up and down Alex's spine, stroking between her shoulder blades, occasionally scraping with her nails and making the muscles in Alex's back twitch and ripple beneath her flesh. "We've had a terrible few months. I think it's time for you to remember how beautiful you are. How beautiful we are together."

Alex thought about objecting, tried to form the words, but as she watched Olivia's head dip to kiss the side of her neck and admired the contrast of their skin tones in the mirror, she couldn't bring herself to say no. In fact, she released a breathy "yes" before she knew what she was doing.

"I'm going to make love to you in front of this mirror..." Olivia paused to dig her teeth into the column of Alex's throat, sucking harshly there for several seconds. "And then I'm going to fuck you until you scream. Until you've come so hard and so often that you have no choice but to believe that I love you. That you're beautiful. That you're mine."

It was so tempting to give in, to forget the past and lose herself, to surrender completely and become Olivia's. Alex knew she couldn't say no. She craved Olivia's touch and she missed the excitement of their sexual connection, but what she missed most was the intimacy, the vulnerability and love they had shared with each other. It all came down to trust. She trusted Olivia. She trusted their love. It was time to re-shore their bond.

With a shuddering breath, Alex fixed her eyes on the mirror, curling against Olivia's side and slowly spreading her legs. "Lift your hips," Olivia murmured, clearly an order even though the words were soft. "These panties need to come off." With Olivia's help, it only took about ten seconds for Alex to remove her last article of clothing. She felt exposed and more than a little dizzy, naked before her wife and the mirror, but there were no more doubts.

"Aren't you glad you kept your glasses on?" Olivia teased, running one hand up and down Alex's stomach, trailing her fingertips back and forth between her hipbones. When her touch finally slid lower, she used her other hand to pull at Alex's knee. "Wider, baby." She placed another kiss on the ball of the attorney's shoulder. "You want a good view, don't you?"

Alex knew that an answer wasn't required. Instead, she obeyed and spread her legs further, chewing on the corner of her mouth as she watched Olivia's fingers peel apart her outer folds, searching for her swollen bundle and capturing it between two fingers. The rolling pinch made Alex hiss in surprise and pleasure, and her eyelids fluttered, threatening to close again.

"Keep watching, baby. I want you to see how much I enjoy touching you. How much you enjoy my touch." Alex watched her cheeks flush in the mirror as her body responded, covering Olivia's fingers and a small spot on the sheets with a fresh pulse of wetness and heat.

Even though she was supposed to be following Olivia's directions, Alex couldn't help making a request of her own. "Your shirt... take it off. Please. I want you naked..."

Olivia smirked, repositioning herself beside Alex so that her covered breasts were more prominently displayed in the armoire's door. "But then I would have to stop touching you..."

"Please, Liv."

She had never been able to resist that voice. Olivia reluctantly pulled her hand away, shooting Alex a disapproving look when her legs began to close slightly, and wiggled out of her tank top, ignoring the way it messed up her hair. Her underwear followed in a matter of moments.

Years later, the sight of Olivia's naked body still made Alex feel like a giddy teenager. Perhaps it was because she was so in love, or perhaps it was because Olivia was just naturally gorgeous. Alex suspected it was a combination of both, in addition to some kind of Pavlovian sexual response. When Olivia got naked, good things usually happened to her.

Alex didn't have much time to admire her lover before those fingers were back, teasing, rubbing, searching out every secret, sensitive spot. Olivia knew them all by heart. When she finally felt Olivia push inside of her, without any preparation or signs of warning, she let out a sigh of relief. For a moment, Olivia stopped the motion of her hand, with two of her fingers wrapped in warm, clinging silk all the way to the knuckle. Both of them held absolutely still, simply staring at where they were joined.

"This is beautiful. You're beautiful."

And this time, Alex didn't just hear those words. She felt them. She believed them. For a moment, she felt like her heart would burst, and her eyes stung with tears. There was so much she wanted to say, but despite her way with words, the only ones she could string together were, "I – I love you." It felt almost inadequate, expressing her feelings of love and trust and gratitude and faith that way, but it was the best she could come up with. Olivia would understand.

Alex let out a soft hitch of breath and Olivia's fingers began curling inside of her, a well-practiced thumb sliding into place over the hard bud of her clit. She was so overwhelmed that she didn't even notice the slightly uncomfortable press of Olivia's chin resting on top of her shoulder.

"Do you know what I'm going to do with you after I make you come this time?" Olivia whispered, lipping the shell of Alex's ear and making her pull away in surprise before she leaned back in for more attention.

"What?" Alex asked breathlessly, still distracted by the fingers probing inside of her, hooking against the spot that made her head swim.

"I'm going to put you on your hands and knees. Force your cheek against the pillow with your head turned sideways so you can see the mirror. Make you watch while I fuck you from behind." Olivia's teeth found a tender place beneath Alex's jaw and tugged at the thin, sensitive skin there.

Alex could only respond to that suggestion with a low groan. Her muscles tensed, another flood of warmth spilling around Olivia's rapidly moving fingers. How she could keep up both motions at once, Alex wasn't sure, but it made her see stars. She needed to do something with her hands, and since there was no convenient way to grip her lover's bare flesh in this exposed position, she settled for the sheets, making knots of them in her tightly clenched fists and twisting as she struggled to keep from moving her hips. It was so incredibly difficult to surrender to Olivia's rhythm without rocking back, and she let her chin fall forward slightly, not caring when some of her hair got in her face.

Olivia didn't chastise her from breaking her gaze away from their reflection. She was completely in tune with all of Alex's signals after decades of friendship and years of marriage. "Fuck it, I won't make you wait. I want to make you come so bad..." the words were husky and a little labored, but unbearably arousing, and Alex cried out as she jerked unintentionally into Olivia's hand.

That was all it took to push her over the edge. Before she even realized what was happening, Alex was swept away in a series of shivering pulses, hips thrusting and bearing forward as she forgot her instructions to stay still. Olivia seemed to meet her stroke for stroke, supporting her through wave after wave, pressing kisses against overheated flesh wherever she could reach.

As she came down, Alex caught one last glimpse of herself in the mirror. She looked like a wild, beautiful mess. Her normally perfect blonde hair was everywhere, her glasses were slightly askew, and a bright pink flush mottled her pale skin all the way from her face to just above her breasts. Her abdominal muscles continued to twitch and shiver beneath her skin, and she watched them in fascination for a moment before staring at Olivia's hand, which had flipped up to cup her protectively. She was surprised at how pleased she was with what she saw. But even if she hadn't been, it didn't matter. Olivia thought she was beautiful, and it had everything to do with her soul and not her body.

Resisting the desire to collapse against Olivia and find refuge in her arms, Alex slid bonelessly onto the floor and settled between Olivia's legs, panting slightly as she rested her cheek on one thigh. Her face was flushed and slightly damp with tears and sweat, but she was smiling so hard that her cheeks ached. "Just give me – just give me a moment. Then I'll..."

Olivia smiled. Alex's request couldn't have been clearer, but she knew that she needed to retain the illusion that it had been her idea in the first place. She had promised Alex a night of kinky sex, and even if she was topping from the bottom a little by getting in this position, Olivia was unwilling to abandon her plans. "Then you're going to suck on my clit until I decide I'm ready to fuck you. Right?"

"God yes," Alex said, still struggling for air and trying to calm her heartbeat. Olivia began stroking Alex's hair with her left hand, threading it through her fingers and waiting for her wife to catch her breath.

"Good girl."

Those words brought a content smile to Alex's face. She knew what would happen next. Olivia would come against her tongue, gripping her hair just a little too tight and growling out the possessive, dirty phrases that Alex loved to hear. Then she would fulfill her earlier promise and take her from behind in front of the mirror. After several more orgasms, they would collapse in a tangled, exhausted heap and fall asleep in some impossible position.

The next morning, they would wake up and remember everything that had happened. Olivia would shower her with the aftercare they had both been too tired for, covering any bite marks or bruises with kisses. They would make love without urgency, simply basking in the sensations instead of straining for release. It would be all soft touches and whispered endearments. And then, finally, they would talk. They would talk about things that made them cry and things that made them laugh. Maybe they would go out for dinner, but more likely, they would just order room service. And then...

And then they had the rest of their lives.

Alex's world had been spinning out of control for so long that she had forgotten what it felt like to see the rest of her life, with choices and possibilities and new happy memories to be made, stretched out in front of her so invitingly. Suddenly, instead of dreading what the next day would bring, she was eager to experience it. With Olivia. Who was currently watching her with an approving expression on her face, as if she could read Alex's mind. When she noticed Alex looking back, she hardened her expression and tugged Alex's hair, just enough to cause slight discomfort. "Well? Get to work. I haven't come yet."

Alex smiled and inhaled as she bent her head and extended her tongue. She would tell Olivia about her strange mid-sex-break revelation tomorrow. Right now, she was going to enjoy herself. There was no place else she would rather be, nothing else she would rather be doing, and definitely no one else she would rather be with. She didn't have a single wish in the world.


End file.
